The Things I Never Asked For

Every single day I read each of your blogs and stop to pray, praise, laugh and cry with you. And I always think to myself that I'll drop back by to leave a comment but it just doesn't seem to get done lately. So here I am to tell you that I'm there with you even when I'm not checking in officially.

I've been working long hours lately. I am not complaining, please understand me! In this economy who could dare to complain of too much work? Not I! I, who have always only tolerated working, am now humbled and grateful to have this job and to have more than enough hours to fill a week. Despite this new attitude I remain a woman with rather the metabolism of a slug so I'm tired. And my health, although definitely on the upswing, isn't quite up to par yet. My doctor has given me two referrals to specialists that I really need to move on but days keep flying by without that appointment yet made. I know, I know. I will take care of it.

I look in wonder at God's provision despite having been the recipient of his care for all of my life. I am still amazed at how he moves on my life and my thoughts to effect changes that I would argue were unnecessary.

In a few months I will be at my five year anniversary as a nurse. I started nursing school in 2002 and it was in impulse decision. I had a job I loved with the school system and out of nowhere sitting in our favorite Mexican restaurant one evening I said to the Mr., "I think I'll go to nursing school." And the Mr., who always loved my school year schedule said, "That's great. When do you want to enroll?" We had never even imagined I would be a nurse. If anything, the plan was to be a teacher and even that was always a someday. So how nursing became the plan suddenly is only because, as so often I do, I assumed the Holy Spirit's voice was my own brilliance. Being my own idea it must be a good one.

I never considered that four years later my gramma would be gone and I would being buying her house. On my nurse's salary. I hadn't given a moment's concern that the automotive industry would become like a foundation of sand. And I might have to support us. On my nurse's salary. Do you want to know my big aspiration? I mean, it was enormous. So profound I shared it with my mom. My motivation was being able to afford a nice graduation party for each of my children.

Maybe a house wouldn't have moved me. Maybe paying the bills would've seemed terrifying. But throwing a nice graduation party? That seemed like just enough of a plan.

Never being done with my life, the Lord put this new position in front of me a year and a half ago. I had no interest in changing facilities, in taking on new challenges. And then all of a sudden...you guessed it. I think "I'll apply for this job!" And the Mr. who was quite happy with my current job schedule said,"Great idea!"

And here I am, more secure yet than I was 18 months ago.

A year ago I was three months in to my new job and enjoying it thoroughly while always looking with longing back over my shoulder. I missed my friends. I missed the doctors and patients I knew so well. I missed the hospital itself and the people I passed in the hallways and the security guys and the unit secretary who always shared a pile of snacks with me at the nurse's station and danced with me to Christmas music. And I think once I may have cut her hair but that's not really important. I was unsettled because I kept looking back and wishing I could've remained in that place where I was sure that I was good at what I was doing instead of wondering if I'd ever figure out what I was doing. So I did go back. I interviewed to see if there was anything there for me. And guess what? THEY TURNED ME DOWN! Can you freaking believe it?

Today I don't look back any longer. When I tried to push that door back open God shut it and put his foot against it. I couldn't pry it back open. That's one of the best parts of being His. Even when I'm stupidly trying to mess it all up, He steps in knowing that even as my flesh battles my spirit is submitted. He stops me against my own will.

So now I go to work in that new place and look around at something I didn't see a year ago. Something I though I'd left behind for good. I see my friends. People who have come to know me and I them. People who make coffee in the morning and wait for me to arrive so we can sit together to start our day. People who laugh at me the way you do with friends whom you trust.

No, nothing in my life has been loss. There has been only gain. Not the loss of old friends with the gain of new ones. The gain of more friends. I still know those people who used to work with me and care about them the same. We've remained together in a new way. Now I walk into a new place and into the company of people who care just as much.

So yes, I am often too tired to leave a clever comment. And yes, lately I've been under the weather. And yes, the economy is the pits. I will not call my life overwhelming. It is full. Full of things I didn't know I would need. Joy I didn't know was yet to be discovered. Friends I didn't know would become so very precious to me.

Lots to do at work. Lots of hours in my days. And a heart fully thankful.

Psalm 90:17 And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us, And establish the work of our hands for us; Yes, establish the work of our hands.