Reduce Me To Love

My home is usually in presentable order. I wouldn't be embarrassed, most days, to get an unexpected visitor. If there is one thing that I insist upon, it is that I awaken to a house that is tidy. It feels, to me, like a set-up for a good day. On the other hand, waking up to a messy house, dirty dishes in the sink, dust on the end tables; is not a good start. It sets me off wrong and I usually don't succeed in getting my mood in good order as efficiently as I set my house in order.

I take this as my own responsibility because it is something only I really care about. So every evening I make the rounds before bed cleaning up and leaving the kitchen ready, including coffee pot at the go, for the morning. Dean (finally!) understands that this is important to me so for the most part, he makes sure the kitchen is clean before bed if he and daboyz are still up and eating after I go to sleep.

The only problem remaining on most days is that daboyz will regularly snack and leave their mess behind. The total time of morning clean-up rarely exceeds five minutes but it just infuriates me! One pop can on the coffee table, no big deal? Yes it is a big deal. The other morning I awoke to Jay's nacho pan in the sink with dried cheese cemented to it, his dinner plate and two drinking glasses. Pop can on the counter. The mess was cleared before my coffee was done brewing but boy oh boy; did it set the tone of my day.

I know that many women would quietly clean the mess and consider themselves blessed that their kids are at home making a mess and not out there somewhere doing much more destructive things than letting cheese dry on a cookie sheet. It isn't that I don't feel that gratitude for good kids who give me few problems. It's just that this is important to me. Period.

I haven't been a regular viewer of Jon, Kate and the eight. Of course, like the rest of America I am now pulled into their lives with the sad announcement of their divorce and like someone gawking at a traffic accident, I tend to stop on TLC when I'm channel surfing to see if they are on. I've made a few observations. Kate is gorgeous. Here's what I've also noticed. There is a relationship that settles between men and women that starts as compromise, becomes survival and finishes as destruction.

Men can act like they are one of the children. The tone for the quality of life is set by the wife and this is because the standard is much higher than dad would set. She does as much as she can to keep the family on the track she has chosen believing that without her influence they will not fare as well. Dad then decides that his wife is a B- and becomes even more passive-aggressive about her pushiness by becoming more child-like. Only this child, she cannot really control. She finds a method to discipline him that is often public humiliation and sarcasm not to mention the private communication that loses all semblance of respect and partnership. So he acts even less responsible so that he can exert punishment on her.

Childish men. Domineering women. I doubt any of us embraced this model in our vows but I see it in the real world almost constantly. I see it in Jon & Kate. I've seen it in my own home.

We've learned to iron out those destructive habits. Then there are mornings when the house that I left in good order at bed time is in need of a pick-up when I awaken. Yes, the example above was the responsibility of the kids. Then again, Dean was up with them after I went to sleep and didn't tell them to clean up after themselves.

So this morning as I cleaned up, my morning turned from pleasant to nasty. The domineering woman rising up to chastise the irresponsible men.

At the end of it all, I think we are quite a sorry lot. The ones who live for themselves by not trying hard enough and the ones who live for themselves by being martyrs. What a bunch of brats we are. How does God not turn his face away?

The dirty nacho pan has already been washed and the kitchen is clean. The daily toothpaste flecks have been windexed from the bathroom mirror and the bed is made. My house is in order.

We women who set ourselves forth to create and maintain a beautiful quality of life do so out of love and then somewhere, we start to do so out of control with a lot of pride in the mix. I don't know how to define the motivation of the men who fight so hard to remain in control by living without control of themselves. I always felt it as a statement against all that I was good at, a mockery of the things that I put my heart into. A way to really hurt me that could be hurled back at me when I called it out. Plausible deniability of intent.

It has taken over twenty years for us to learn not to be these people although the shadows of those bickering children still hover in the background. Human nature requires that blame be placed, that one person be held accountable. I know this is not truth. Love covers a multitude of sins. We must be daily aware that sin means offense. The offensive tone I have used against him. The lack of seriousness about our lives that offended me. So many daily offenses without enough love to restore balance.

I could never make Dean love the "right" way. I tried with all of my might only to arrive exhausted at the conclusion that I had to love in response to Christ. Despite the mornings of messy family rooms, love has procreated and covered a multitude of offenses.

Finally I have learned that if I read bedtime stories, make wholesome meals and keep a beautiful home but do so without love...I have accomplished nothing.

Doing all as an act of worship is the only method by which my hands can accomplish love.