Wednesday, January 23, 2008


To find my self un-depressed.
It is not to find myself without disappointment or hurt feelings or fear. It is to find myself able to speak my hurt, face my disappointment and walk through my fear. It is to tell my husband what lays heavy on my heart, to cry without shame and to accept his apology, his comfort and his love without reservation. It is to allow myself to lay my head on his chest as he holds me and to let peace settle in.
It is not to stop loving food and wanting to over eat. It is to not need food to distract me from emotions too great to face. It is to eat slowly with pleasure and then to realize half-way through that I am satisfied. It is to have a snack before dinner and then to eat a smaller dinner. It is to eat breakfast and realize with amazement that I am not hungry until lunch time, to eat lunch and realize with amazement that I am not hungry until dinner time. It is to realize that I am not hungry because my emotions are not driving me to eat any longer.
It is not to have more friends. It is to be hugged and hear my name spoken and to look up with astonishment at this new understanding; I am loved. It is to receive love and conversation without feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. It is to believe that these people choose to be my friends and want my company.
It is not to be more spiritual. It is to stand in quiet worship to see what God sees in me. It is to breathe in acceptance unearned. It is to not sing along and yet to join in worship from within. It is to look on the faces of those worshiping and know I am one of them.
It is not to be beautiful. It is to be happy within this skin. It is to look older than some and younger than others because I am. It is to feel peaceful and it shows in my face. It is to not assume that others judge me harshly. It is to know that this is the body I occupy and it is prettier than some, uglier than others. It is to believe my husband thinks I am beautiful in pajamas without make-up and that is enough beauty for anyone to claim. It is to receive a compliment and believe that at that moment, that person finds me beautiful and to be grateful to be loved.
It is to sleep well and wake up without fear. It is to stay up late and not be exhausted in the morning. It is to love myself enough to take extra time to put on lotion at night and wear high heels with my jeans because I feel cute. It is to be annoyed but not enraged. It is no nightmares at night and no dread in the day. It is understanding new things and learning easier and meeting new people with confidence. It is knowing that for all that time, God was not disappointed in me nor did he turn his face away. It is understanding that it is not sin to be sad and that Christ hurts when I do. It is to feel redeemed and then redeemed again.
It is to become alive.

Psalm 4:1 Answer me when I call to you,O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

A word about the painting above by the artist, Ruth Greenup
The dancing lady is a Hebrew woman completely consumed in the Joy of God, in mid-air, worshipping Him in the Praise of the Dance. As I painted this painting, I often thought of the Joy of Miriam and the other women dancing in Joy, Praise and Thanksgiving to God after they, and Moses and all the people, crossed through the Red Sea on dry ground...and that God is the same for us today. This is a painting for all people. The dancing lady represents the Jewish people, the chosen people. And she also represents us all (every human on earth), partaking in the Life more Abundant that Jesus wants to give...Every person: His Chosen people, grafted in by Him.


Louise said...

What comforting truths you share with us. Thank you.

Deb said...

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Mrs. Mac said...

Finally, peace. Sweet peace from Jesus!

Amrita said...

Glory Hallelujah, Sara. What an anazing, brave, courageous and articulate lady you are.I send a big hug to you.And if you permit me I will liknk this post of your on my blog because i want as many people as can to read it.

I 've strugged with depression and low self esteem till Jesus set me free.

Sara said...

link away amrita!

Margie said...

i love you.

Robin said...

Gorgeous painting-and 'Amen' on the post. Good stuff.

Mel Avila Alarilla said...

Hi Sara,
Got your name from Amrita and I really liked what I saw and read in your blog. Your post is so wonderful. You are really inspired by the Holy Spirit to have written that way. Now you show us how to be undepressed. It's just appreciating each small thing that the Lord gives to us each day. I will be linking your blog with mine and I hope you do the same with yours. Thanks for the wonderful post. God bless you and your family always.

Jeanette said...

I followed the path from Amrita to you, and I'm so glad I did! Thank you for this wonderful post!

Julia Dutta said...

Been driven to this post by Amrita. And am I pleased! I had been depressed for many years and then went on to psychiatric drugs followed by Ayurvedic drugs. Presently, I don't take any drugs at all and am not needed to either. I am in excellent state of mind, ever since I started blogging. I am a writer but sometimes presenting my own case as spoken for another gave me the necessary distance from my issues and I could look at then objectively. Many of my stories have me hidden somewhere in them and this has been one of the Best Things that happened to me. Once, a post it out, I seem to be in a strange way free of the problem or the solution presented itself to me. Like as the haze cleared, the truth became visible.
Since you are a Psychiatrist, I would so much care to have your comment (time permitted) on the three Case Studies I have posted today. Thank you,
Julia Dutta