Through a window pane darkly~

I've always been an early to bed early to rise person. That's one of the reasons I loved my last job, my hours were 6:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Up at 5 and in bed by 8 p.m. and that worked just fine for me. If you've been around here a while you are familiar with my crawling into bed with a book habit and I don't even require the sun to have set to decide it's time to end my day!
Well lately I've been under quite a lot of stress at work (the most in my work life thus far) and feeling like I'm burning the candle at both ends. Naturally, knowing God has my life in his hands I've countered the weariness with prayer. Praying for restful sleep. Praying for more energy. Praying for more insight to do my job better. Praying for patience and peace. All good prayers. But last week God decided to go over my head (ha!) and provide for my needs in a different way. Every night this week I have stayed up until almost 11:00 p.m.! Good grief! Unprecedented! And not awake in bed staring at the ceiling awake, I'm quite familiar with that. No, awake and watching TV or reading or relaxing NOT IN BED awake.
Did you know that was even possible? I didn't. I always though it was if not illegal, immoral! LOL.
After a day or two of this not tired at 8 p.m. business I started to think about the situation. After all, with the increased stress of work I should be more tired earlier, right? Then I realized, with those extra 3 hours an evening I am finding myself less frazzled. This new schedule means when I get in the door at 6:00 p.m., I don't feel like I have an hour and a half to iron clothes for the next day, make dinner, straighten the house and do whatever other stuff needs doing. I can actually sit down for a half hour and unwind and then get up and make dinner. I can iron later in the evening, after I have enjoyed my meal and relaxed a bit.
The Mr. and I are big fans of DVD or DVRed TV series and usually if I make it through a single episode I'm on my way to bed as the credits roll. He's been surprised as I've said, put another one on, and another and let's just finish this disc tonight. In fact, a few times he's gone to bed before me!
I asked God to do a whole list of things to get me through my days and he went and chose a different answer. An answer I'd never thought to have requested because it just isn't who I am. By the way, I'm not more tired in the morning for my later nights. That proves the Holy Spirit is in this.
I'll admit it took me a few nights of laying in bed until after 11 p.m. I finally got up one night and crept through my sleeping house to sit in the family room by the big windows feeling the crisp night breeze and soaking in the secret sights and sounds of my night time back yard. The wind chimes that I often tune out during the noisy day was clear and sweet. Hmm. This is actually kind of nice, this middle of the night. Almost worth being awake for and certainly superior to laying in bed staring at the wall.
Have you ever had to call tech support for your computer? Sometimes in order to fix the problem they will have to take over your computer by remote. As you sit there you'll see your cursor skipping around the screen and clicking here, opening that and minimizing this until everything comes back to your control but now it's fixed and working again. Before the tech guy takes over though he will tell you he's going to do it and sometimes I kind of hesitate to let him. Seems invasive or something. But it's the only way and it works every time.
This 3 hours of evening time reminds me of that. Younger in Christ I would have said I have insomnia from stress, I would have taken something to make me sleep. I would have dragged about day after day more exhausted and more worn out and begging God for sleep. Now, I don't have to make the conscious decision to follow God or even to try to figure out where he is. My spirit has found it's own life, that which is truly me now responds more quickly to the Holy Spirit. Now I am less afraid of change and more apt to wonder, could this be God?
Every evening that I feel the lack of sleepiness I will stay awake. I'll watch another episode of The Closer or I'll sit by my big family room windows and watch the dark corners of my yard as the evening breeze rustles through the leaves. I'll feel less driven to hit the back door running to get everything done because I just learned I will be granted not only energy and strength but time and probably a whole lot of other ways to get through life that I've yet to discover.
When the answer to your problem seems to be in direct opposition to what you know yourself to be; that might be the very moment you will begin to see through the glass a little less darkly.
As for me, the darkness has become light.

1 Corinthians 13:12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
Image: http://madewithloveuk.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/dscf4681.jpg?w=1024&h=768

The Lord make his face to shine upon you, and give you peace.

Numbers 6:26

Yes, I'm still here!

1. Wow what a long week!
2. This chick needs the weekend.
3. Making chicken lemon rice soup for daboyz.
4. Going in search of those perfect blank sandals and earrings later today.
5. Moving slowly and enjoying the morning.
6. My head hearts.
7. Got my hairs & nails did this week.
8. I'm getting another manicure next week before we leave for Alabama so I got red this time. I couldn't stand it for more than a week but it's a sassy change for me!
9. Are you watching the new PW cooking show today?
10. Please pray with me for my friend Shawna. She has been experiencing incredible pain that the emergency room and her own docs can't treat.

Thine eyes shall see the king in his beauty: they shall behold the land that is very far off.
^{Isaiah 33:17}

A list that is really a story

1. We are going to Alabama Labor Day weekend for Dean's dad's interment.
2. I, with great fear & trembling, have been online shopping for an appropriate sun dress type dress for the occasion.
3. I, with great amazement and hallelujahs, found the perfect dress at the first store to which I went to! (That particular sentence structure is just for Deb.)
4. It is a sundress that is cut in such a manner as to allow one to wear, ahem, such foundational garments as one might require.
5. It is black, sapphire blue and green floral and rather a vintage cut. It is even lined!
6. Empire-ish waist and full skirt.
7. It is good for twirling.
8. I am not going to twirl at the memorial service.
9. I don't think so at least.
10. Now I am in search of fabulous black sandals and sparkly earrings.

My current favorite song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wUbK2EssfQ&feature=share

Good night sweetheart, good night.

Oh my, what a lovely day this has been. I cleaned this sweet little house top to bottom, put new smell-goods in my Scentsy warmers and de-Donnyed the furniture with Febreeze. Seven loads laundered, dried, folded and put away. The windows wide open for those late summer breezes that are too short-lived here in the Mitten. Clean linens on all of the beds and since I did that all-nighter last night, mine is calling to me already.
We went out to dinner, just the Mr. & me. Mac is working a double and Jay will be over later. Kind of nice having the old guy all to myself for a minute. Picked up a new coffee grinder which I have just put to good use and my coffee pot is all ready for the morning. It's even been cool enough to light the candle on my kitchen table! Ahh, the simple pleasure of a clean house and a peaceful heart.
As we left for dinner I noticed those neighbors are no where to be seen, they who kept me up half the night. But their back yard is strewn with tossed-about lawn furniture and a nice shiny keg laying on its side. I think I should probably keep my eye out for an opportunity to let them know that their partying (I'm sure completely unbeknownst to them!) took its toll on our house's ability to sleep. Ultimately despite the delicious evening breezes we had to shut our windows just to sleep. I like to think they would be a little sorry, that maybe they won't do it again. Then again, if they don't care and aren't a little sorry; I'm not so sure I want to know.
So, good evening neighbors. I'm headed for a nightgown & a book and praying for enough sleep to make up for two nights since it's back to the alarm clock in the morning.
G'night.

Image: http://images.arcadja.com/zilzer_gyula-woman_reading_in_bed~300~10188_20090807_NULL_1620.jpg

Wishing for quiet~

I'm moving slowly today, worked the weekend and then laid in bed until 1:00 this morning listening to partying neighbors. I will never understand the nature of someone who blasts a radio with 20 of their closest friends yelling and laughing and talking when they live in a neighborhood. You have to know you're disturbing your neighbors...and on a Sunday night? As much as I love my home, I find myself thinking that I need a plan to move out and to a more rural area when we retire. That's discouraging to me because this is the home I want to live in for the rest of my life. But the reality is, it isn't likely to become quieter as the years go on.
So poor me, I was awake most of the night and then overslept this morning until 9:00 so I already feel like my day is whizzing by. And I'm tired!
Enough of that!
The weather in the Mitten is beautiful, my windows are open and those neighbors have quieted down (I'd like to go over there and blast some Southern Gospel music into their hang-over hibernation!) Wait, I said enough of that...
The weather is beautiful and I have some housework to do so I should get motivated and put things in order because I see a nap in my afternoon. With the lovely temperatures and sunshine I might just have that nap in my hammock outside. I will have to make the most of this day off since I'm working next weekend too. The good thing about Monday off is that I'm guaranteed a quiet and empty house and a chance to spend my time as I please. As much as I love my family, they are at work and at the moment I don't miss 'em!
Hope all is well in your neighborhood!

Update: Housework done, everything back to bright, shiny and smelling good! One more load of laundry & a long shower next. A moment of silence please, as my coffee grinder has died. After that long shower it's off to Bed, Bath & Beyond with my 20% off coupon to get a new grinder. That nap might not happen after all.

Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the well of salvation.

Isaiah 12:3

Image: Old Faithful, Ansel Adams

1. Treated myself to a new perfume, Beautiful by Estee Lauder. Reminds me of the talcum powder floral scent of my gramma.
2. Going to work in a minute. Blah.
3. I have no motivation to clean this house and it's really pretty disgusting at this point. Feel free to come over and clean while I'm gone.
4. I love Ulta.
5. I love Smashbox mascara, which I got at Ulta along with my new perfume.
6. Thinking of going shorter with my hair.
7. I also got a free rolling bag with my mascara and perfume at Ulta because I have an Ulta rewards card!
8. I have developed the need for naps in the past two weeks.
9. I could sit here smelling myself all day, I smell quite nice.
10. Gotta go to work or I won't have a job and therefore my Ulta time will be a thing of the past.

U of D? Oh mercy!

Here I am, checking my FASFA status, requesting transcripts and putting in applications. Here I am because the time has come to once again go back to school. I often wonder if the Lord will ever be quite done squeezing my square self through round holes. When I graduated from nursing school in 2004 with an associates degree I was pretty satisfied with my accomplishment and oh so happy to be a registered nurse. Got my first nursing job in the specialty field I had hoped for and on day shift to boot! Two years in my boss asked me to apply for the position of clinical coordinator (sort of a super charge nurse), and I got the job. Specialty field, day shift, no weekends! Arrived at my goal weight after four years on Weight Watchers with a great job.

Two years later I was recruited for a new position, nurse manager. Same health care organization at a different facility. Managers have at least a bachelor's if not a master's degree. Long shot, impossible, why not give it a try...just for kicks? Well, I got the job. Associates degree and four years total experience I was now running a speciality unit. And frankly, a little less in love with my job. But I couldn't pass up the opportunity and I know it was a blessing from God. Square self, round hole once again.

This new phase of life brought greater stress and new responsibilities as well as a kick in the pants that I really had to get my bachelor's degree. Of course, the best laid plans are often the most difficult. I gained weight with the combination of new stress, desk job, perimenopause and oh did I mention the Mr.'s parents moved here from Alabama needing our care?

Large square self, small round hole.

And I really must go back to school. My career has found its deadend without it and I am in jeopardy of my position should someone start insisting on enforcing the bachelor's/master's degree requirement. Not to mention I make less money than other people doing the exact same work. After a year of chasing my tail...this program or that? This school or that one? I have a new boss who has helped me reach the best decision and used her authority to gently insist I get moving on it. Bachelor's degree of nursing program. University of Detroit Mercy. Roughly 3 years if I take 2-3 classes per semester. The money? Well, God will provide it if it's his will. And sure enough, it's starting to look as if he will be doing just that.

So I transferred my nursing degree from good old Henry Ford Community College to U-D Mercy and applied for FASFA so that I could then apply for scholarships. And as silly as my 33 year old self thought it was to go back to school, my 44 year old self is downright cranky! Oh, I like school and I actually get a lift out of the idea. I feel re energized and yes, even a little proud of myself for diving back in. But seriously, seriously, seriously; when am I gonna be done with trying to figure out the next phase of my life? Can I ever just be where I need to be and be done with it? Apparently not! I'm not only going back to college but I'm going back to college 50 pounds overweight. Which brings me to the next point, I have got to lose weight. Gonna check WW online because getting to meetings just isn't working with my life at the moment. I told myself at 33 that I was on a mission to accomplish certain things by my 40th birthday. I guess we are on the 50th birthday mission plan now.

Once I start the RN BSN (Registered Nurse Bachelor's in the Science of Nursing) program, I must complete it within 6 years. Well look at that, I will absolutely have to be done by my 50th birthday. I'm almost afraid to ask what the 60th birthday goal is. I could venture a guess, master's degree? Does that round hole seem smaller to anyone else than it did a few minutes ago?

I was talking to God about it all and not that I mind going to classes but I just want to be done! You see, I thought that the point was the degree itself. Now it seems I may be in a different school altogether. In the flesh I am going for an advanced nursing degree but in the spirit I think God is doing a different kind of education. Learn to live in the process, to enjoy the moment, to embrace the day. Stop looking for the finish line. Oh how I want to see the finish line! But I will submit to the season and the lesson at hand. Take this class now. No pressure about completion. Do this now. Let the next thing come next.

Let the tension go and live in this day that the Lord has made.

And let the square peg rejoice and be glad in her round hole.

Ahhh

The air conditioning is off and the windows are open!

That is all.

Politics~

I don't like politics, don't like to discuss 'em, don't like to watch 'em, don't like 'em. Because of that and my belief that the United States depends upon the individual right to disagree I rarely express my opinions. But...
At the risk of using less than pretty language, it's time for us to grow a pair. We've taken "judge not lest ye be judged..." and turned it into the politically correct excuse to stop thinking, acting and standing for something. I may not be standing on street corners engaged in political debate but I'm pretty sick of it all. I'd rather see people (especially Christians) think and pray and be passionate and wrong than be surrounded by a bunch of panty wastes. I'm not even sure what a panty waste is, but I know it's wimpy and I know that wimpy is usually laziness and fear combined.
I don't like offending people. I really don't. But I do have a brain and spirit and heart with which to reason therefore my instincts bear as much potential for rightness as anyone's and those with a spirit-led mind should be able to speak their conviction. And now, I step out of the no offense zone to share my thoughts.
Casey Anthony murdered her daughter and the jury screwed up. I don't buy the notion that they really and truly wanted to convict but there just wasn't enough evidence. Bull. There was sufficient evidence but we are so afraid of judging (lest we be judged) that we can't figure out the difference between reasonable doubt and needing to see it on U Tube to believe it. Sometimes you aren't going to see something for yourself and yet you can engage that mass between your ears and figure it out anyway. It is my business, by the way. My country. My justice system. My business.
Barack Obama is president because God said so. I don't like him, I don't trust him, I don't think he is influenced by Christ and I believe he is capable of ushering in the end for America. I did not vote for him and I nearly puked as I pulled the lever that would have put Sarah Palin in line for the presidency. But God never lost control.
Speaking of Sarah Palin, she's an airhead. During a 20/20 interview as she was running for VP, she was unable to identify historic events as they pertained to her philosophies and she took several seconds to finally state that her favorite magazine was "Running Today", as in jogging -not for president. She makes ridiculous statements like she can see Putin from her kitchen window and then decides identifying herself as a rough riding Alaska outdoorswoman makes her the choice for the leader of the free world. I believe President Obama is president because a lot of people were terrified of Palin as V.P. I can't say I blame them.
The mess we are in economically was created by we the people. We the people who are approved for a mortgage UP TO $500,000 and take it to the max. We the people who never stop drinking Starbuck's and buying Coach purses as we demand funding for our children's college education. Yes, retirement funds were stolen. Yes, jobs were lost. What has that got to do with people who did not lose their jobs, aren't retired and sit around pointing a finger at George W.Bush for their lack of a savings account?
And W., the last president I voted for with a true feeling of trust. His mother Barbara Bush said she believed that he was the United State's Moses, that God had called him to do the hard thing and that she believed he was God's man and that she also believed that he would work and struggle and never reach the promised land. Wow. I voted for him in his second term as well but it was with sadness. It was knowing we needed him, the cowboy, the arrogant, the tough guy who was not interested in popularity. We needed him to finish the work God had for him. The work that may have been the last battle of one nation under God before we became one nation under gods. Like King David, President George Bush had to be the warrior but in being the warrior, he was single-minded in battle and his time of usefulness had to end.
I love George W. I love the fact that when he was in Florida and the secret service whispered in his ear that the towers had been hit, you can see a look of rage pass over his face. I love the fact that when he was back in Washington being briefed he said, "I just need to punch something, to kick somebody's ass," as he slammed his fist into his hand. That's the anger I felt, that I feel. I don't want a president who says, judge not...when we have been attacked. I don't want to hear about opening our arms wider to prove we are diverse as we embrace our murderers.
P.S., please, if you must be a bigot and feel the need to be a loud one; stop calling yourself a Christian. You are making it very hard for the rest of us to be taken seriously. You are a great part of the reason the left wing feels they have to pull so far to the left to balance out the fools with loud voices sitting to the right.
Judge not lest ye be judged....now read the rest of Matthew 7:1-6. Don't judge unless you're ready for the same standards to be applied to yourself. Take the 2x4 out of your eye so you can see clearly how to remove the sawdust from someone else's. Make yourself right before you presume to have the wisdom to draw conclusions.
Then go back to the Old Testament for a minute. God created a government of judges, the people demanded kings against the Lord's wisdom and God told them that their kings would abuse their power to trample the people under their feet. So we cried out for kings. And we said judge not. And we got used taking the coward's path of no opinion and thereby, no responsibility. But we are oh so very responsible. The Christian who will not judge is the one who cannot discern. No wonder we set murderers free and think hyperbole is courage.
I think that's it for now.
God bless America. God save America.

Sunday

The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple. Psalm 19:7

Rambling thoughts~

1. I have all the ingredients for my favorite espresso cake and no particular reason to make it...dangerous.
2. I also have requests at work to send banana bread with Mac, that I can do.
3. PF Chang's for dinner yesterday, tummy upset today.
4. Have you ever made a frittata? Lucinda Scala Quinn promises it's easy.
5. Do you know how to spell frittata? I don't think that's correct.
6. Go to work, clean the house, do the laundry, go to work...I need a diversion.
7. I keep promising myself to find a good massage clinic around here and forgetting until my next "hunched-over-a-desk-for-10-hours" back ache.
8. I would like the temperature to cool down just enough for me to actually be able to sit outside after work.
9. I feel like I need about 3 days of utter complete silence & aloneness to recharge.
10. Better make the most of this weekend!

Hello?

Oh baby I'm tired. I have a new boss and she is awesome, really she is. After two years of less than inspiring leadership it's refreshing and rejuvenating to remember again why I love my job. Why I'm proud of being a nurse. I work in a psychiatric hospital that is under the Henry Ford Medical Group which is the physician's network in the Henry Ford Health System. It's a great company and probably the most stable in Southeastern Michigan at the moment. The Behavioral Health department is expanding and regionalizing and new opportunities are coming along to create and imagine what mental health care could be. In case you weren't aware, psychiatric care is the pits. Not the care we give specifically, but the care and resources available to the mentally ill are something that we should be ashamed of as a nation. But we're working on that as a health care organization and that's exciting for me.
My former boss was a nice enough guy. But he had his eye on a job out of state and basically spent two years making his resume shiny enough to move one and that resulted in, well, a less than inspiring and often exhausting work environment.
Remember when I said I was tired? Well I am, but I'm not exhausted. There is a difference. Exhausted is when you are so worn out your brain is fried and your muscles hurt and there isn't enough rest in the world and stuff just isn't fun. I've always liked work and it's always been fun. Well, other than 2009-2011.
I'm tired because we've had marathon meetings confronting the things that need attention immediately and making goals for next week, next month, next quarter, next year. And meetings about figuring out individually what we want to do with our careers and what we have to do to get there. And more than a few "back to the drawing board" moments. And just when you think good grief, I'm tired!; the third manager in our trio resigned yesterday. That's ok, she has found another position and I'm happy for her if she's happy. BUT that means more meetings and back to the drawing board moment.
I'm starting work around 8 a.m and today I got home at 6:45. Eating at my desk, lunch meetings. Looking up and realize shift change happened at some point and I never noticed.
But it's ok. I'm re energized on the inside even if my outsides are tired. So I hope you haven't abandoned me because I do visit you daily and miss you.
If you need me, get yourself admitted into a psych hospital. I promise, we're making great changes. :)