Awakened

My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises.

Psalm 119:148

Another almost sleepless night last night.  I fell asleep around 4, at least that's the last time I peeked at the clock.  Got up at 8 or so and was just an hour late for work.  As I was sitting in my family room in the middle of the night, I realized I was peaceful despite my awareness that the hours of sleep I needed were slipping away.  I used to toss and turn in bed but lately, I've given myself permission to get up and occupy myself for a bit.  No, it doesn't fix the insomnia but somehow, it feels less like lost time if I'm reading or even sitting in the quiet darkness with my thoughts. 
I finished loading a few dishes into the dishwasher and turned it on.  Did my nails at midnight.  Cruised around Pinterest for a bit and read a few chapters in my book.  I e mailed my boss a little after 1 a.m. to say I was obviously not getting a good night's rest and so, expect me to be a bit late.  I finally crawled back into bed and opened the bedroom window just a crack to let in some cool night air and so that I could listen to the rain.  It should have been excellent sleeping weather with the rain on the roof and the almost-warm temperatures!  I put my hand on the Mr.'s back and prayed for him. 
I daydreamed about the upcoming weekend, we're taking a three day get-away.  I had just the tiniest bit of a revelation.  I realized that I am getting better at being ok with myself.  Lots of longings and self-criticisms have gently floated away.  I don't wish for a larger house or a bigger income or even a skinnier body.  It's true!  Yes, I want a skinnier body but I don't need to have it to, well, to love myself.  I don't need new clothes every paycheck.  I can just be, where ever and however I am.  I can be.  Because whether I'm at my goal weight in a size 10 or at this weight in a size larger (wink,) I am loved exactly the same.  And my value, my worth and my perspective is anchored in that love.  The love of God that is. 
And if God looks down from heaven and sees me at 2 a.m. unable to sleep and doesn't make it happen, I guess that's ok too.  Do you remember this old song,

Lord, make me an instrument,an instrument of worship;I lift up my hands in Thy name.

Lord, make me an instrument,an instrument of worship;I lift up my hands in Thy name.

I’ll sing You a love song,a love song of worship;I lift up my hands in Thy name.

I’ll sing You a love song,a love song of worship;I lift up my hands in Thy name.

Lord, make us a symphony,a symphony of worship;we lift up our hands in Thy name.

Lord, make us a symphony,a symphony of worship;we lift up our hands in Thy name

I can be an instrument, a love song and even a symphony without eight hours of sleep.  Without the body I wish for.  Without a huge house. Even without understanding anything about anything other than I want to be just exactly what I was created to be and goodness; what joy there is in that.  I almost liked being awake and alone all night long as I thought about that.  I am, right now, perfectly whole.  I am not waiting for some something to complete me.  I am not in need of anything more than what I have. 

Yeah, sleep evaded me last night.  But my soul rested well.