Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I hate crying. Unfortunately, I also tend to cry at inopportune moments. National Anthem at sporting events, movies about dogs, pretty much anything involving great pride or extreme concern about my kids. Frankly, I have had to hold it back on several occasions just watching my kid play football.
We’re winding down to the end of the Thailand mission trip and the team is headed home in a few days. I can’t wait. For someone who doesn’t like to cry, I’ve done a lot of it the last two weeks.
I know I told you that I didn’t want to hear about news stories or frightening thoughts while Mac was gone. And you guys have been awesome. Let’s just say it, everyone was watching CNN on Thursday morning. International terrorist plot against incoming commercial flights to America. Greater loss of life than 9/11. Not a good morning.
Thank you for not barraging me with the obvious. Thank you for taking it to God and letting me do the same in a way that still allowed me to function.
But oh man, the tears have been flowing. I’ve almost given up on mascara.
The tears have come from fear and frustration. They’ve also come from comfort and peace and praise. Sometimes in the same moment.
God has been teaching me a lot during this Thailand trip. He showed me that I still haven’t given up my kids completely to him. I have to keep giving them back because I keep trying to grab them away.
God has taught me to let the tears fall too. I thought they were weakness. Not so. They plant a harvest in heaven. I have learned just this week that they produce songs of joy that I have denied myself by holding back the tears.
Tears feel like vulnerability, which I do not like. And yet I am so very vulnerable. If my son doesn’t come home, I will need God to keep my feet walking through the rest of my days.
And yet; I ask with tears for him to come home to us believing that God will grant my request. The tears remind me to keep asking.
And when Mac steps off of that plane on Thursday morning around 1:00 a.m.; I will reap my song.
Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
Thailand Prayer Request: Team to have an increased love for each other.