Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Singing Tears

I hate crying. Unfortunately, I also tend to cry at inopportune moments. National Anthem at sporting events, movies about dogs, pretty much anything involving great pride or extreme concern about my kids. Frankly, I have had to hold it back on several occasions just watching my kid play football.
We’re winding down to the end of the Thailand mission trip and the team is headed home in a few days. I can’t wait. For someone who doesn’t like to cry, I’ve done a lot of it the last two weeks.
I know I told you that I didn’t want to hear about news stories or frightening thoughts while Mac was gone. And you guys have been awesome. Let’s just say it, everyone was watching CNN on Thursday morning. International terrorist plot against incoming commercial flights to America. Greater loss of life than 9/11. Not a good morning.
Thank you for not barraging me with the obvious. Thank you for taking it to God and letting me do the same in a way that still allowed me to function.
But oh man, the tears have been flowing. I’ve almost given up on mascara.
The tears have come from fear and frustration. They’ve also come from comfort and peace and praise. Sometimes in the same moment.
God has been teaching me a lot during this Thailand trip. He showed me that I still haven’t given up my kids completely to him. I have to keep giving them back because I keep trying to grab them away.
God has taught me to let the tears fall too. I thought they were weakness. Not so. They plant a harvest in heaven. I have learned just this week that they produce songs of joy that I have denied myself by holding back the tears.
Tears feel like vulnerability, which I do not like. And yet I am so very vulnerable. If my son doesn’t come home, I will need God to keep my feet walking through the rest of my days.
And yet; I ask with tears for him to come home to us believing that God will grant my request. The tears remind me to keep asking.
And when Mac steps off of that plane on Thursday morning around 1:00 a.m.; I will reap my song.

Psalm 126:5
Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

Thailand Prayer Request: Team to have an increased love for each other.


Tonya said...

Sara, You have been very brave and showed great maturity during this. I think that I would have cried everyday, weaknees or not, I would not have been able to contain myself. But, I am an emotional person.

Birmingham Girl said...

My eyes have cried oceans! When those kids step off that plane there will be more oceans...of joy! Thanking God for all He has provided - He is Good, all the time, all the time He is good! Wait I think there is a song in there somewhere!!

Becky said...

i've got joy joy joy down in my heart, down in my heart. hahaha
keep it together java nut-they're almost here. tomorrow we should be able to get on northwest flight tracker.... yippee
oh, take care of the jaw so there is little pain from smiles when your boy gets back.......

tina fabulous said...

i echo your feelings about the vulnerability of crying. i try to avoid it at all costs, mostly by masking it with anger. its a pretty good plan.
though oddly i have no problem crying over that commercial where that guy sneaks into his parents house on christmas morning and wakes them all up with coffee and they come down the stairs and exclaim "peter!" with joyful surprise.
i havent spoken of any foreign events because i dont know about them. i tried to read an article the other day but i got sidetracked by a headline that read "nicole devastated by tom's new baby with katie". as you can see, my priorities are very defined.
my mom has tmj and wears some sort of thingy when she sleeps. apparently, it is fabulous.

MSUgal86 said...

I haven't cried but I get a little choked up when the B-girl remembers Mac and the team every night in her little prayers. Give him a great big hug for me!

Deb said...

Here's where we differ --Olivia is four --I cried Saturday night when I put her in Grandma's van to go on a "sleepover". I don't even want to THINK about her going on a missions trip to Thailand!!!

I have been --and will continue to hold you up in prayer! Honestly, the Lord has impressed upon me to pray more for you than for Mac and the team --although I pray for them too! Being a Mom --and a very EMOTIONAL one at that --I'm right there with you!!

And as for God...well...He has all your tears in a bottle!!!

KayMac said...

"God has taught me to let the tears fall too. I thought they were weakness. Not so. They plant a harvest in heaven. I have learned just this week that they produce songs of joy that I have denied myself by holding back the tears." LOVED THIS...LOVE YOUR HEART. PRAYING ALONGSIDE YOU!

Margie said...

I know this sounds nuts, but sometimes i just think we need to cry. Sometimes to let out the hurt so God can let the love in, sometimes to show how overwhelmed our hearts are with joy.

And... I still can't get over yesterday's post.

Sara said...

yup, the tears are good!