My grandparents lived for a time in Southern California when my mom and uncle were younger. Despite their Michigan roots, the brother and sister still love the warmth and sunshine of their days as transplanted Northerners. Maybe it is the thinking of my gramma's life than makes me think of those California days before my birth. Mountains and fruit trees in the back yard and trips to the ocean. And waves.
I've found my grief to sweep over me in waves, crashing against the quiet shoreline of my heart just when I think my waters have settled. I don't have to be remembering anything to find myself suddenly crying. Then again, I can think about The Farm and moments with my gramma in her home without tears.
This morning I awaken on the day of Eleanor Meszaros Gerhardstein's funeral. And yes, the waves are approaching. I feel like I am standing on that Southern California beach with my feet spread, waiting for the force of the ocean to overwhelm me. But today the sand is warm under my feet and the gentle western sun bathes me from head to toe. Today the waves are not threatening to knock me over and drag me away in their undertow. Today, the waves sweep upon me and their name is "Peace." I am awash in an ocean of peace today.
It has settled into me quietly and then wells up from my toes so that I catch myself smiling over the rim of my coffee cup. I am peaceful, even joyful.
I suddenly found myself this morning. Perhaps I have finally inherited my gramma's vision of myself? I think I am quite able now to guide my family the way I needed to be guided. I think I know how to make a place within these walls for my children and one day their children to come and ask about King David and I think I will be ready to answer. I think I have wisdom tucked away from these forty years with my gramma that I didn't know was there. If my gramma's work was complete, surely her prayers for me are complete as well.
I don't imagine the waves of grief are subsided. After all, grief will not finish its work until I am there with my grandparents in heaven.
Today I find myself swept away on fathomless billows of love.
Job 9:8 He alone stretches out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea.