You've Been Served

I am a very average person who occasionally masquerades as an over-achiever. Don't get me wrong, I love me some applause when I score big. In my thirties I was still showing my parents my college report cards. But I am not a true over-achiever. I have to work my butt off to get there. Which brings with it a good degree of anxiety because it's always a possibility that I won't quite reach the mark and then instead of being an average person I am a failed over-achiever. It used to make the Mr. nuts when I'd study around the clock because an "A" was the only acceptable grade. As far as he was concerned, a little less stress and a passing "C" was just as good. In fact, our Dean of Nursing told us at orientation, "C = RN." Sure enough, those C=RNs make as much as me and very rarely is there an opportunity to slide my GPA into lunchtime conversation.

What I've learned as a quasi-over-achiever is that you have to know why you're pushing yourself so hard or all of those impressive accomplishments will leave a bad taste in your mouth. Eventually, no matter how great you did, the standing ovations will sit down and life will move on. Something else will come along to push you out of the limelight and fewer conversations will venture into a review of your resume. Then what? On to the next challenge! It's easy to become like a little kid trying to sing louder than all the other little kids...look at me! In the grown-up world it can be taking on yet another project at work that you know will drown you but you want everyone to see how amazing you are. Or picking up another ministry at church so your list of service is at least one item longer than someone else's. Or volunteering for the task no one else wants to do so that others know you're just a little better than the average guy.

Or refusing to go out to dinner because five less minutes of studying might get you a B in Anatomy instead of an A. A B is so...average.

When you put 110% into life you teach people that this is what they can expect from you. That's not a bad thing at all. In fact, I think it is a reflection of Christ in us. I was always taught that as a Christian, I should be the best employee in the place. With maturity I am finding that I get confused when I start getting my pay-off from people instead of the Lord. I should be the best because of my desire for Christ to show through me. In honestly, I am guilty of wanting the attention of others and being disappointed when it fell short. If truly I were representing Christ, only his pleasure in me would motivate me. When I start to rein in that prideful spirit, because that is what we're talking about, I feel much more comfortable NOT doing the extra project. It'll take a little bit of time to learn this if you are a quasi-over-achiever like me. With a history of being the Amazing Sara (gag), I am often given just one more committee or one more policy or one more whatever to handle because I'll do it and do it well. When I start to do these outstanding things with resentment I know it's time to rein the Amazing Sara in. You want to know a really nasty little secret? I actually have taken on more than I can handle because I don't want someone else to get credit for it. Terrible. I know. I am a credit hog. If there's something out there to which I can attach my name, I am tempted to jump on it. Don't tell anyone. And yes, I am entirely aware this is an issue of self-esteem which is exactly what I was saying a paragraph ago. Seeking gratification from a source other than God. I'm sure I'm the only such person out there.

I'm learning now to say I cannot do this or that. Or I just don't want to. How do you like that? It is a balancing act to be so free that I am comfortable refusing to take on anything and doing my fair share and doing it well. Someone recently told me that they are sick unto death of the latest Christian buzzword...serving. I just love to serve, I can't serve enough, I want to serve everyone, I know all this serving I do is wearing me out but I can't help it, I am such a servant. Puke. That's a direct quote, puke.

The over-achieving Christian is called a servant in 2009. We've made the title of servant a joke. It happens innocently as churches try to survive by teaching the Biblical truth of serving others. However, we've lost control of the idea. Now serving is only recognized in the form of a sign-up sheet and a commitment of a prescribed number of hours. The daughter who is spoon-feeding her dying mother and so cannot work in the nursery is lost in the hierarchy of service. The family trying to work two jobs and keep a roof over their kids heads are not plugged in because they have to choose between time at home as a family or organizing games at the church picnic and they chose the former. Serving can become like a Girl Scout's sash as we all compete for badges. The trouble is; the invisible badges, the private sacrifices; don't count.

Be careful, you Christian over-achievers. Be careful that you are not being lured into the collection of badges. Be careful that you lack the wisdom to know where the yes and nos belong. As soon as I hear myself listing my accomplishments, either out loud or to myself; I know I've entered into dangerous territory. The divine payback to service is peace. Where peace is lacking in the midst of busyness it is time to reconsider.

Matthew 6:2-4 Therefore, when you do a charitable deed, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory from men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly.

3/29/09

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

I Do Not Like Them Sam I Am

1. Professional massages.

2. French pedicures.

3. Sweet iced tea.

4. Parties.

5. E mails that insist I forward them to 12 other people to prove I love the sender.

6. Talking on the phone.

7. Loud music.

8. Chick flicks.

9. Satin sheets.

10. Dressing up.

The Things I Never Asked For

Every single day I read each of your blogs and stop to pray, praise, laugh and cry with you. And I always think to myself that I'll drop back by to leave a comment but it just doesn't seem to get done lately. So here I am to tell you that I'm there with you even when I'm not checking in officially.

I've been working long hours lately. I am not complaining, please understand me! In this economy who could dare to complain of too much work? Not I! I, who have always only tolerated working, am now humbled and grateful to have this job and to have more than enough hours to fill a week. Despite this new attitude I remain a woman with rather the metabolism of a slug so I'm tired. And my health, although definitely on the upswing, isn't quite up to par yet. My doctor has given me two referrals to specialists that I really need to move on but days keep flying by without that appointment yet made. I know, I know. I will take care of it.

I look in wonder at God's provision despite having been the recipient of his care for all of my life. I am still amazed at how he moves on my life and my thoughts to effect changes that I would argue were unnecessary.

In a few months I will be at my five year anniversary as a nurse. I started nursing school in 2002 and it was in impulse decision. I had a job I loved with the school system and out of nowhere sitting in our favorite Mexican restaurant one evening I said to the Mr., "I think I'll go to nursing school." And the Mr., who always loved my school year schedule said, "That's great. When do you want to enroll?" We had never even imagined I would be a nurse. If anything, the plan was to be a teacher and even that was always a someday. So how nursing became the plan suddenly is only because, as so often I do, I assumed the Holy Spirit's voice was my own brilliance. Being my own idea it must be a good one.

I never considered that four years later my gramma would be gone and I would being buying her house. On my nurse's salary. I hadn't given a moment's concern that the automotive industry would become like a foundation of sand. And I might have to support us. On my nurse's salary. Do you want to know my big aspiration? I mean, it was enormous. So profound I shared it with my mom. My motivation was being able to afford a nice graduation party for each of my children.

Maybe a house wouldn't have moved me. Maybe paying the bills would've seemed terrifying. But throwing a nice graduation party? That seemed like just enough of a plan.

Never being done with my life, the Lord put this new position in front of me a year and a half ago. I had no interest in changing facilities, in taking on new challenges. And then all of a sudden...you guessed it. I think "I'll apply for this job!" And the Mr. who was quite happy with my current job schedule said,"Great idea!"

And here I am, more secure yet than I was 18 months ago.

A year ago I was three months in to my new job and enjoying it thoroughly while always looking with longing back over my shoulder. I missed my friends. I missed the doctors and patients I knew so well. I missed the hospital itself and the people I passed in the hallways and the security guys and the unit secretary who always shared a pile of snacks with me at the nurse's station and danced with me to Christmas music. And I think once I may have cut her hair but that's not really important. I was unsettled because I kept looking back and wishing I could've remained in that place where I was sure that I was good at what I was doing instead of wondering if I'd ever figure out what I was doing. So I did go back. I interviewed to see if there was anything there for me. And guess what? THEY TURNED ME DOWN! Can you freaking believe it?

Today I don't look back any longer. When I tried to push that door back open God shut it and put his foot against it. I couldn't pry it back open. That's one of the best parts of being His. Even when I'm stupidly trying to mess it all up, He steps in knowing that even as my flesh battles my spirit is submitted. He stops me against my own will.

So now I go to work in that new place and look around at something I didn't see a year ago. Something I though I'd left behind for good. I see my friends. People who have come to know me and I them. People who make coffee in the morning and wait for me to arrive so we can sit together to start our day. People who laugh at me the way you do with friends whom you trust.

No, nothing in my life has been loss. There has been only gain. Not the loss of old friends with the gain of new ones. The gain of more friends. I still know those people who used to work with me and care about them the same. We've remained together in a new way. Now I walk into a new place and into the company of people who care just as much.

So yes, I am often too tired to leave a clever comment. And yes, lately I've been under the weather. And yes, the economy is the pits. I will not call my life overwhelming. It is full. Full of things I didn't know I would need. Joy I didn't know was yet to be discovered. Friends I didn't know would become so very precious to me.

Lots to do at work. Lots of hours in my days. And a heart fully thankful.

Psalm 90:17 And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us, And establish the work of our hands for us; Yes, establish the work of our hands.

Hello

Good Monday! Long weekend at work and not feeling quite up to par have me moving slowly this morning. Usually by this time I'm up, dressed, housework done and ready for the day. By which I mean ready to lay on the couch and read. I'm still working around the house and have no motivation to meet my one goal; drug store. The Mr. stayed home today and is working hard covering the entire house in a fine layer of dust as he is doing some trimming around our "fridge hole" to make room for our new fridge. Not our new fridge exactly but the fridge we bought before we moved that we just now moved over here. I'd go into the details but even I'm not all that interested.

I declared myself pain free and then had a few days of not so pain free. I'm not exactly feeling terrible but I can tell that my one dose of Vitamin D hasn't completely restored me to balance. I have a few doctor's names that I am referred to for further consideration of my U.P.O. (Unidentified Pelvic Object.)

Other than my third ovary and our fridge what is there to share? I got five new books from the library and have finished one, which was quite good. "Love And Houses." A woman's husband leaves her in her last trimester of pregnancy with their apartment for sale, a bridge loan and mortgage on a school house they bought to renovate into a home for themselves and their first child. She decides she can't handle the renovation and to stay in her apartment and sell the school house even at a loss when the apartment sells out from under her; the entire building. Very good. A mixture of relationship stuff (but not romance stuff which makes me gag) and home decor. What more could you ask for?

Speaking of home decor, I have several little projects in my head for around here that can possibly be done without the major $$ needed for the big project, that being the family room/kitchen. That one will have to hold for a bit.

I have an antique wicker sofa and chair that was my gramma's and then my mom's and then my living room furniture when we were first married. It's now stored in the basement in the old old house and looking a bit rough around the edges. I'm thinking of hauling it out, repainting it and eliciting my mom to recover the cushions. I elicit my mom to recover things semiannually and we are successful in my fabric choice and her handiwork about half of the time. But the lady on television tells me this is a fun and inexpensive way to repurpose things I find around the house. So here is the latest consideration, my exterior is gray and white. The house, not me personally. Well, actually me personally as well. Anyway; we have a wide front porch and a back deck. I have lawn furniture for my back deck and then there is the wicker. I'm undecided as to putting the lovely wicker (which will surely turn out spectacularly or horrifical) on the front porch for the enjoyment of passersby or on the back deck for my personal enjoyment. Do not suggest that I put it on the front porch so that I may sit there calling out greetings to the neighbors and fetching cups of Kool-Aid for children riding their bikes past our house. I have already christened the Spring season by sending the Mr. over to the neighbors to insist they turn down their radio. I'd likely greet passers-by with "What are you lookin at?" So there's the placement question. And then the facelift of the wicker question. What color paint and cushions? Black comes to mind with some kind of red fabric print. Cherries or some such thing. Which I'll never find once I decide it's exactly what's needed. Or red paint and some other fabric? Or something truly daring like orange! My lawn furniture has orange cushions and it's very groovy.

Moving on, my mom made slip covers for my sofa pillows which turned out beautifully much unlike the slip cover she made for my gramma's arm chair which turned out quite like a project one of my patients might make that would prove they were not ready to re enter society. I think we should recover my camel back sofa. By that I mean she should recover it.

Well, that's all that is rattling around in my head. Feel free to post your ideas as I am sure this is all you can think about now.

3/22/09

Exodus 3:14 And God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.” And He said, “Thus you shall say to the children of Israel, ‘I AM has sent me to you.’”

I

1. Suddenly realize I must have a round red coffee table for my C. S. Lewis room.

2. Believe in vitamins (now.)

3. Am working this weekend.

4. Cleaned my house yesterday.

5. Also caught up my laundry yesterday.

6. Need groceries. Hope the Mr. takes care of that!

7. Am going to see Beany in some kind of dinner theatre thing.

8. Do not know when said dinner theatre thing starts.

9. Also do not know where my tickets are.

10. Am tired.

The D

I have finally gotten the diagnosis for my mystery ailment and I'm encouraging all of you to consider being tested as well. The rheumatologist ran a Vitamin D level which I honestly did not take all that seriously. I'm relatively young, usually healthy and eat a balanced diet. Besides, I am not convinced that vitamins are real things.

Anyway, the office called today with a lot of concern, my level is 7. Less than 10 is seriously deficient and some ugly things can result. My recent symptoms plus a few bonus things I usually just tolerate are likely connected. The doctor has called a three month prescription in and I'll have to be regularly retested. Naturally when I got the news I did a quick internet search and found there is real reason to be concerned about Vitamin D and to take this seriously. I'm thankful that I have not only a diagnosis but a relatively easy treatment and I'm looking forward to feeling better. So! Get tested!

Turns out vitamins might be real things after all.

However, there is no way mitochondria are real.

Whatsoever Things

Philippians 4:8 (King James Version)
8Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

I'm sarcastic and pretty blunt by nature. All of us have certain defense mechanisms (said the psych nurse) that make us more comfortable with other people and my main one has been witty pessimism. People who know me forgive me for it and people who don't sometimes think I'm pretty edgy. As I've gotten older and experienced more I have not so much outgrown the snarky edge as become more comfortable in my own skin and needed it less. Oh, it is still a part of my personality and I doubt it will ever go away completely. I have come to realize that sometimes I am the stronger one and my sarcastic asides might be amusing and get me a quick laugh but an opportunity to put balance into the world is lost if I'm not careful.

I am still motivated by a deep need for reality and the more someone seems to be skirting issues the more I need to dig in and put a spotlight on it. This is often interpreted as being unkind and that isn't my motivation. I just don't have the knack for foolishness. For instance, the kid who drops out of school and moves around from friend to friend's house saying he can't get tied down to a job because he is going to be drafted into the NFL and he needs to be available and work out constantly. Come on, you are just asking for me to put some balance into your world.

When you become the mom or the supervisor or the mentor or just the oldest one in your crowd (all of which I apparently am!); you have to choose your attitude more purposefully. When I was a floor nurse I could be funny in my negative "all is lost" way but not anymore. Now I am a supervisor and I have to take responsibility for the impact of my demeanor. And let me add, from this perspective I see the impact of everyone else's demeanor and realize it might not always be so funny. My assumption was that I knew when a zinger was appropriate. Everyone else has the same assumptions and the truth is, we are all wrong.

Is it ever ok to embrace my inner snarky self? I think it is. I think it is part of who I am and used with some care I can break tension and soften the glare when the spotlight is too harsh. But I watched a news story about a group of kids and their desperation regarding the economy and thought to myself, somebody has to speak life into the world. My auto worker husband is on a pattern of work one week and laid off one week. He has a worried edge that's unusual for him. Marriages are toppling at an alarming rate. People carry burdens of parents with Alzheimer's, domestic abuse, loved ones with cancer and these are people I see everyday. A zinger here and there might offer a moment of comic relief but well-placed words of peace and truth could be soul repair.

The common denominator of the world's situation is that life is out of control. Somehow people have paid their mortgages and gone to work every day and can't afford groceries. Somehow families that loved their children and did all they knew to do are watching those children throw everything away to promiscuity, alcohol, drugs or just plain stupidity that will change the course of their lives. Somehow I can do everything as right as I know how and still get derailed.

That is why I have to take notice that a cheap laugh or avoidance of a topic might be a missed opportunity for soul repair. I will not speak continually of death whether it is literal death or the death of hope. I won't use this blog as a platform for my somebody done somebody wrong song. I won't feed the monster of negativity.

It's time for all of us take responsibility for the impact of our words and attitudes and realize that hell runs on the fuel of our actions. I'm asking you to hold me accountable. If you see this blog becoming the journal of my disappointment; remind me.

Day Two

with no pain! Here's a picture of me this morning.

More Mustard Seeds

I went back to work this morning. Off my medication. I had pain this morning despite taking 800 mg of Motrin. Then later in the day when the Motrin had worn off; I was feeling better. Now after being home a few hours and just taken a hot shower; my right calf hurts. Ridiculous.

It was good to be back to work despite having crazy legs and a U.P.O. Although no one loves being home more than me, I want more to be healthy. And even though I'm moving a bit slowly I'm able to do what I need to do. So, thank you Jesus.

I have been thinking about the mustard seeds I wrote about in my last post. About how, they are sown in the soil as something so small it seems almost insignificant but grow into a great tree that shelters all the birds of the air. It makes me think of my own life and how the Kingdom of God only shows through me when I allow the insignificance of who I am to be covered over and unseen so that God can become greater. When I let my own agendas and ideas be buried I become the Kingdom of God in flesh. People can come to me and find shelter. This is who I want to be. I want people to be drawn to me not because of anything I am but because they are drawn to Christ in me. And Christ in me is only expressed one way and that is in love. Love spoken in mercy, grace, service, kindness, smiles, forgiveness. All the ways that Christ loves are all the branches that I need to bring into the world. Under these limbs the hurting and lost and unsure and feeble can find soft light and gentle breezes. In the shadow I cast I want comfort to fall over those around me.

It sounds so simple and yet I know I have so far to go. I keep burying the mustard seeds of my flesh but before they can take root I tend to dig them up. I want to hold them in my fist, maybe it's because I know when the mustard tree finally grows up from the seeds I bury it will no longer be me that is seen. It will be the Kingdom Of God. I know, though, that all the seeds in my hand will only die without purpose if I do not cover them over. Hidden in the darkness of the earth life is finally able to take root and push through to daylight.

Like Christ, hidden in darkness for three days, to come out with eternity shining from his fingertips. Or perhaps, with mustard seeds in his hands. Just waiting to be planted.

Mustard Seeds

This past week of sick leave from work and daily visits to doctors and tests hasn't left me overly concerned. I would like a name for this condition but if it suddenly disappears unnamed, that's fine too. I've had much worse feeling days that did have a name...the flu, sinus infection, bronchitis. And the worst of all...depressed, anxious, hopeless, lost. In the grand scheme of things this has been a minor blip on the wellness radar. That is, of course, speaking from the perspective that it gets better not worse. Yes, my legs still hurt. No, not as badly. As for the unidentified pelvic object (and no, it is not a third ovary as some people have hypothesized); we'll follow up with that over the next month.

Putting aches and pains and medical leaves aside, I have been more interested in the enormity of my blessings. Each evening as I take a long hot shower and feel those aches ease I feel God's favor in the healing spray of water. As I turn back my bed and warm up my blankets I look forward to sliding into clean, fresh smelling sheets where I will read for a little while under the warm glow of my bedside lamp on my pistachio green walls. I pamper myself every night with lotions and smell-goods and choose my wardrobe for sleep; night gown? flannel pajamas? Every little nuance reminds me to take note of the comfort that surrounds me.

These are my thoughts as I drift off to sleep. Goodness and healing. Provision. Abundance. I am not a spiritual giant. I awaken every morning and take a moment to discover if this is the morning when I'll be better; as promised by the doctor. And there is a twinge of disappointment when my legs still hurt. There have been fleeting moments when satan has filled my mind with threats of chronic illness and debilitating diseases. But giants are not what is needed. After all, Goliath fell and Zacchias saw Jesus.

The update for today is that I still have pain but I have stopped taking my medicine and the level is much lower than it was a week ago. As always, life is about gathering mustard seeds against moments of heart ache.

My dad came over with Tim Horton's coffee...mustard seed. Dean happened to be laid off this week so he has been with me watching movies, cooking dinners and keeping me company...mustard seed. There was a robin on my backyard fence and we grilled chicken for dinner and I watched an old Shirley Temple movie and I am wearing a warm old sweatshirt and my legs do feel better and there's a big basket of fruit on my kitchen table and we had dinner with friends and I only got sick from my medicine once and my linen closet is full of fresh towels and linens and Dean bought Fresca at the grocery store and I just had a bagel with peanut butter and my peach tea smells wonderful and I have plates with lemons on them and there's always something fabulous on HGTV and Donny is snoring away in his kennel.

And a thousand other mustard seeds that are much more powerful than any giant.

So instead of worry or frustration, I'll be gathering mustard seeds. From there will grow the faith that we all need every morning. Even if your legs don't hurt.

Mark 4:30-32 And he said, Whereunto shall we liken the kingdom of God? or with what comparison shall we compare it? It is like a grain of mustard seed, which, when it is sown in the earth, is less than all the seeds that be in the earth: But when it is sown, it groweth up, and becometh greater than all herbs, and shooteth out great branches; so that the fowls of the air may lodge under the shadow of it.

March 15, 2009

Psalm 139:16

Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

This & That

1. Went to P.F. Chang with friends.

2. Went to a new doctor who was less than helpful.

3. Experimenting with not taking my medicine so I can stay awake long enough to see how I feel.

4. Craving fresh fruit.

5. Thinking about giving myself a manicure.

6. Eating too much; home & bored.

7. Doctor's orders: stay very, very still.

8. Doctor's prognosis: "We really don't know what is going on but I predict you will wake up one morning and be better and we'll never know what the problem was."

9. Gonna make tuna fish sandwiches for lunch.

10. Expecting to be back to work on Monday. Hoping that miracle morning will come by that time.

U. P. O

This is a first for me, I'm off work on a medical leave until Monday. Having some weird leg pain and an ultrasound of my pelvis revealed "an object dorsal to the uterus 4cm x 3cm with arterial flow." On the left side is described a perfectly lovely little ovary so we aren't sure what this unidentified pelvic object is. I have had some severe pain in that region the last few days hence the ultrasound. The tech offered to do a bonus trans vag ultrasound which I declined; not wanting to be greedy. Well guess what? Hey, what could be more fun that drinking 40 ounces of fluid, not being allowed to pee and have a probe stuck into a very personal orifice?

I had labs drawn by my doctor that were almost normal but just not normal enough to send me to a rheumatologist on Friday morning. For now a couple of prescriptions are managing my pain effectively (and putting me to sleep for most of the day) and steroids are being considered but it's a little complicated because I would have to be weaned off of another medication so that plan is on hold. I'm on strict instructions to be "as inactive as possible just short of bed rest." This is no problem as it pretty much describes my baseline activity-wise.

So for now my days are a balance of "Yikes! The meds are wearing off!" to taking the meds and falling asleep until the next round. The Mr. is attempting to be my caregiver by not understanding anything I am explaining to him medically but jumping up and pushing me back down on to the couch every time I stand up to do something strenuous like get a glass of water.

For today I am watching television and catnapping as the medications kick in. I mentioned perhaps going to the library which caused the Mr. to gasp as though I had announced my intention to re-shingle the roof while I'm off. Tomorrow morning is the rheumatologist. I am relatively certain no one will be able to diagnose anything kind of like when my car makes a klooopigy sound until I get it to the mechanic. I'll drop you an update afterward. In the meantime, I think I'm due for another nap and thanking you in advance for your prayers which I know are there without my asking.

Love you guys; updates to follow.

Psalm 16:9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.

UPDATE: I saw the rheumatologist this morning who reached the conclusion that I am a "mystery" and probably fell down some stairs or something and that's why my legs hurt. She wants me to be very still and restful this weekend and then on Monday, if I feel better I should stop taking my medication and go back to work. Oh; and the final prognosis? Evidently I will very likely wake up one morning feeling perfectly well and we'll never know what happened.

March 8, 2009

Psalm 39:7 And now, Lord, what wait I for? my hope is in thee.

Currently

1. Have the hiccups.

2. Reading "Flights of the Mind, An Autobiography of Leonardo Da Vinci"

3. Crushing on Paul Newman in Cat On a Hot Tin Roof.

4. Wearing a lavender nightgown & fleece slippers.

5. Having a bottle of O'Doul's and an orange Metamucil chaser every evening.

6. Loving my house.

7. Working long hours.

8. Noticing my pants are a little looser.

9. Doing Yoga (well, not this very minute.)

10. Happy.

Marriage

The break-up of marriages fascinates me. Does that sound morbid? Several years ago a few of the couples we knew divorced. Now we seem to be seeing the cycle repeat itself. It's not in the dishing the dirt sense this fascinates me, but in the sense that I need to know in general; what goes wrong? Our history precludes me from any form of arrogance regarding my marriage. I don't think anybody is bullet-proof. Actually everybody believes they are going to last forever at some point. So I continually ask, where do we step over the line?

You could read books and articles and watch talk shows around the clock and hear a million theories...communication, trust, sex, finances, expectations, boredom, etc. There are the couples who seem to be falling apart for the entire 60 years they remain married. The ones who are open about their frustration and you see them struggling between staying together and walking away. The ones who look like the couple you wish you were; until you hear that one of them moved out.

There are couples who seem to bicker and tease too much but they can because they know there is a solid foundation underneath it. Other ones are affectionate and sweet but only in public. Some never hold hands and some need to get a room. Some people are ugly (you know you've thought about it!) and happily married and others are beautiful and live in a loveless home. Some couples have everything in common and other couples have nothing in common. What is the secret?

I ask out of my own concern that Dean & I recognize the state of things while there is still time to fix what might be broken. And usually; something is broken. It's just a matter of how large or small the broken thing is.

You don't have to be married to chime in. Everybody has seen great marriage and those that don't make it and you have all asked the questions I'm asking.

Reading Good Housekeeping I am advised to have a scheduled date night, fill a jar with advice for the Mr. to keep me happy, learn a new hobby together, tell each other one positive and one negative thing about the other one, buy pretty lingerie (do my sock monkey shorts count?), make a meal that we eat with our hands, thank him for sex and watch how much other women are drawn to him. All in one issue of the magazine.

Maybe it's because we made such a royal mess of things; Dean & I are very purposeful in our relationship. But I think it's worth talking about in general. Marriages fall apart for one reason at the end of it all; satan attacks us at the core of our being in the attempt to destroy us and all that we touch. How do you beat him?

Two Husbands, One Teenager and A Fat Girl

A couple of weeks into my diet by verbal abuse with my work husband and I'm down about five pounds! I think perhaps my home Mr.'s eating healthier with me might also be helping out. We did a little surfing on our free On Demand menu and found some work out videos so tonight he, Mac and I did The Biggest Loser Cardio Burn.

My everything is quivery and I'm very sweaty but at least feeling back in control.

Meanwhile, tomorrow I may opt for work out clothes other than the red flannel pajamas I wore tonight!

P.S. my work husband is dragging me around doing laps walking the gym every day. There's nowhere to hide this chubby body.

Welcome "Home"

Dean's parents moved to Alabama when the daboyz were dababies. The visits between there and here have been sporadic over the years, 12 hours is a long drive. Dean's mom, Marty, has sisters and a mom still here and his dad, Ben, has one brother. Marty has diabetes and suffers with some serious co morbid medical problems as a result and travel is hard. However, Dean's grandmother is nearing ninety and one of his aunts is ill so she really wants to make a trip north. Sometimes you just need to, you know?

They've never seen our new old house so the Mr. called to tell them that the first week of June, he and I would head to Alabama to pick them up and bring them here for a visit. They were excited, his dad has only recently retired at almost 82 years old and their lives have slowed down. Getting around is harder and they can't make the trip on their own any longer. They will stay with us for that week and do some visiting with family and friends they haven't seen in a while. Please pray for this trip, that they would feel strong enough to make it and that it would be a time of refreshing and renewal for them.

I think the Mr. is pretty excited himself to have them walk through our red front door.

3/1/09

Psalm 47:4-6He shall choose our inheritance for us, the excellency of Jacob whom he loved. Selah. God is gone up with a shout, the LORD with the sound of a trumpet. Sing praises to God, sing praises: sing praises unto our King, sing praises.