Thursday, July 12, 2012
Responsibility in fragility
I've got an ulcer, who would have ever imagined I'd have an ulcer? I have insomnia, well, that's not a big surprise but still. I take Wellbutrin for depression, which is a God-send...I never realized how crummy I felt till I stopped feeling so crummy :)
As he was reading my scope results, my doctor said, "I'd never have guessed you're so stressed out. You look so relaxed and well-adjusted." Ha!
I am well aware of the source of my stress, it's spelled W-O-R-K. And I've always really loved my work so that's aggravating. I have no desire to work in another field but I also preferred my belly without a hole in it. In discussing my current fragile status, a few people have suggested it is time to move on to something less stressful. Or a short-term leave. I'm not willing to do that (although at times, it sounds like a fine idea.) Frankly, I think going on a leave would stress me more.
As is always true, the cure to my ills is more time in prayer. More time meditating on God and letting go of the stress. The stress will never be gone, I am in the wrong business if that's what I need. But I am completely sure that God can manage it, and me. Ideally, I'll wake up some morning and be immune to worry and anxiety. But that's not gonna happen. I have to take responsibility for myself. I am not managing myself appropriately and that's on me. I will not use the current state of my body as an excuse to make my world smaller and smaller until it's so small that all of the potential that God poured into me becomes hidden away in my small world. There's an advantage of my work, I know that hiding away from the hard stuff doesn't make for a better life. It just makes you more and more afraid of what you can't handle until you fear that you can't handle anything. And there is so much great stuff in the anythings!
I pray for my insomnia to be put to rest (ha!) I pray for my belly to heal. My depression, well. This is going to bother a lot of you and I apologize in advance, but I sort of "accept" that. Like the Apostle Paul, I have a thorn in my flesh and I am at peace should God choose to leave it as a reminder that I am reliant on him.
However, I need to sleep and not walk around trying to breathe through the pukes.
I'll get there, I'm sure of it. I will learn lessons I didn't even know I needed to learn and I'll get better and I will keep right on this path until the Lord changes my course.
I'm ready to find the strength and wisdom to become the person I need to be.
If I don't become that person, there is one less heart reaching out to help someone else become that person who is one less heart to help someone else become that person...
See what I mean?
I am responsible.