Smith Happens (A Rerun)

The following is from an e mail from a few years back. it likely contains spelling and grammatical errors due to the traumitized nature of the author; me. Warning: disturbing and offensive imagery to follow. And now, by popular demand...SMITH HAPPENS

Knowing that you wait anxiously for all news Smith, let me share the last few days with you.....
Our bathroom sink has not been draining properly for some time. A fact which concerned me, but not so much the Mister. Finally Saturday night, I reminded him once again what a discouragement this was to me, so he went out at 9 PM to purchase heavy duty- don't use this if you aren't a professional, in fact even professionals shouldn't use this, back away from the bottle slowly drain cleaner. So here's his big plan, this stuff is some kind of acid in granular form which activates when it contacts water. So he decides the best move is to pour it down the drain, then turn the shop vac on blow to force it all the way down. So what do you think happened? Yup. He starts screaming "Sara turn it off, turn it off!" The acid granules are indeed blowing back into his face, eyes, mouth, nose and all over his chubby little body in general. So I run in and turn it off and he goes into fast motion Silkwood style stripping and into the shower for the Meryl Streep treatment whilst I throw his clothing down the chute, (burning my fingerprints off) and cover the drain with a towel to prevent further contamination. He takes about 4 more showers and a shot of Benadryl to deactivate the reaction to the crap he's inhaled and happily, the sink is draining. Injured and exhausted, it's off to bed for us.
Then Jay decides to take a shower, which makes us happy. Afterward, even more hygienic measures involving q-tips. More pride. Several dozen q-tips fall into the toilet. Ha ha. Jay is a smart boy, he flushes them.
2 a.m., the Mister gets up for the nightly tinkle and, well that's funny, the toilet is sure flushing slow and kind of backing up. Hmm. I get up at 4 for the early a.m. whiz, and golly Moses that toilet is a 'backin' up like nobody's business. 7 a.m. the back up and slow flush continue and the Mister is applying plunger in boxer shorts with Benadryl/acid burn hangover. 8 a.m., more of the same. 9 a.m., drain cleaner down the toilet. 10 a.m., no progress and we ain't goin' to church. Boyz wake up and Jay's foolishness is exposed. He claims no responsibility as "everything should be flushable."
So last night the toilet is still flushing slow, filling to the rim, draining over 20 minutes. The Mister announces there's nothing for it but a plumber. Sigh.
This morning much to my horror the entire Smith household finds themselves in need of bowel movement
Jumping Jehosophat. It's sure to be bad news.
I return from dropping the boys off at school to about 4 inches of dark brown chunky water in the toilet and Sweet Mother of God I have to go #2. Devil jerk poo master
So, I throw caution to the wind and pray for a loose stool. No such luck my friend. Two hours and several flush attempts later, poo galore to the rim. Apparently, gasp, I have to attempt to fix the toilet which now harbors several gallons of Smith fecal infested doo doo juice. So, I grab the plumber, nothing but poo splash from that. I get the snake, no luck.
Bend over, grab your knees and kiss your butt good-bye, I'm gonna have to shop vac that mother out. So I go down into the basement, haul up the shop vac, and suck me up some doo juice. Let me just insert here that it is a good thing that I am a trained poop cleaner as it was nasty on many levels and stink like you can't believe. The sound effects? Low pitched suck with occasional 'THUD', let your imagination fill in the gaps on that one. So I gave that bad boy a good long poo sucking and then all of a sudden the liquid chunk sound turns to a delicate rattle. Can it be? Have I actually sucked through the water, sewage, toilet paper and poop and hit the mother load? Yes, yes! Sweet fancy Moses I believe I've extracted the offending q-tips. So I refill the tank, breathing through my nose, and flush and glory hallelujah! The toilet is a 'flushing and a 'filling. I fixed it! So now I can eliminate to my hearts content but I got me a stinking industrial sized shop vac full of poo. What to do? Put it in the back yard of course So,now I'm dragging and it's swishing and stinking all the way through the house and then I realize, great gatsby! I have to get this mother down the basement landing stairs to get of the back door. Merciful Jesus don't let the lid come off. Well, I did it and it's now standing proudly in the backyard full of stink waiting for the Mister's return. Won't he be proud? How, you may ask, will we dispose of this toxic drum full of poo? Not my problem, I say we take the whole thing to the dump and buy a new one. My work here is done.
Love & tales from a poo
Sara

For further information on what happened to the shop vac full of feces; please contact the Mr.