Somehow the giant concept of salvation as freedom always gets crammed into a tiny little box in my hands. Once I get beyond free from going to hell, I'm stumped. Maybe I don't trust myself with all of this freedom. I think that it's supposed to ultimately manifest itself in joy, freedom in Christ. Freedom from feeling shamed, unworthy, unloved. Freedom from every little nasty voice from within and without that can take a perfectly nice day and make my stomach hurt.
I also think that something about not being free appeals to me. Freedom and rules don't necessarily co-habitate and I like rules. Obedience of the rules makes me proud of myself. Obedience of the rules also has some clear benefit in the avoidance of consequences. My problem is that I like rules too much and I use them to justify what I want to do. Schedules and bed times and chores and "taking care of myself" are all rules that make me not free. Not free to have a cup of coffee with you or visit someone in the hospital or extend myself somewhere beyond the rules that build my life. I'm just not...free.
Not free, not available. Freedom in this tiny box of what should be according to me. Freedom to say "No, I'm too tired." because I worked over time and now even if I let someone down, I am free to not come for a visit. Freedom to say, "I can't afford to give." because I tithed my 10% and I want to spend my money somewhere else or I don't want to take a chance on not having money in case I want to spend it somewhere else. I'm free to suspect that someone needs counsel and not do it because "They will probably be offended and Christ doesn't want me to be offensive."
I'm free to walk away. That freedom I claim. I am free not to be free.
I am free not to spend time in true prayer on my knees in a quiet room because I am always communicating with God (sure I am) and he knows what's going on and someone out there is called to be a prayer warrior. I am free not to sit with a Bible in my hands because I more or less know what's in there at this point.
I'm free to have a feeling that I really need to call someone and then not do it because I am at work (the rules!) or it's late (the rules!) or I told the Mr. to because it's a man I'm worried about and he didn't (the rules!) or it's none of my business (the rules!) The rules really work well for me.
I am free to not write that letter or send that card because someone will never change. I am free not to offer to help because they never learn. I am free to not confront because they will get angry. I am free to throw my hands up and walk away because someone else will probably do a better job anyway.
I am free not to teach a Bible study because I am burned out and it always turns ugly and I never accomplish what I hoped to and I probably do more harm than good because I am not spiritual enough.
I am free to be quietly redeemed while someone else is quietly drifting farther away from God every day.
My tiny little box of freedom. Certainly not enough to share.
1 Corinthians 8:9 Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak.
4 comments:
Thought provoking...
ah, the tiny little box o' freedom.
its hard to be free sometimes.
love the new pic of you and the mr! you look miraculous.
Like this. Your are a real philosopher Sara. Why don 't you compile your writings in book form?
Ya, Sara, you need to compile your thoughts in book form. My thoughts are way to small to fill that small box. I need to start thinking outside the box.
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