Anticipation

Married young and having had babies young, our marriage has had the consistent theme of not enough money. We never starved and really never did without much but we were always right there; one pay check away...
No matter how long the lean years seemed to last, time moved on quickly. It's hard to imagine the canyon we've crossed between there and here. If I didn't have Christ to smooth out my rough edges, today's blessings could twist into ugly bitterness. I could be saying, "What about the last twenty two years?" You know, when the kids were little, when it almost broke me, when I looked at sheets at Wal Mart and thought of them as a luxury item. Did you have those days?
Today's finances are better. Of course, today we also have more wisdom about stewardship. I bet there's a lesson in there somewhere.
So today I don't wake up with a stomach ache worrying about the lights staying on. I don't pick up the phone to see if there's a dial tone (seriously I used to do this.) I do still ask Dean if I can purchase something on pay day and he has to remind me that we now have funds in between. The bank used to be empty on the Monday after pay day. But today as my son prepares to move into his first home, I can plan on what we will buy for him. And really, that was my dream all those years ago. Will I be able to be the kind of parent and grandparent that I had? God is good and yes I will. He is all things including on time.
In fact, yesterday my husband and I had a conversation about making less money. About finding the balance between salary and time. And where the wisdom lies. That is our now lesson. We know how to make more money. Now we are learning about how to bank more time. Should we start making changes in the next year to guard our time? Should we make a long term plan? In five years? I have opportunities and decisions. And I see why God didn't give me this twenty two years ago. My faith has grown, my fear has fled and I can wait quietly on him to tell me what comes next and when.
I have twenty two years of being denied what I thought was mine to find out there was something better. I have countless nights of praying for answers and being given only peace, and finding out that that was the answer.
I no longer impulsively purchase something because I'm so sick and tired of feeling poor and then regret it until the next pay day.
So I don't need to have those answers right now. I already have the peace that was poured into me during those dark days and nights. Now I can just wait quietly knowing that he will pour out yet more goodness into our lives in his perfect time. And when it comes, it will be better than I had hoped for.

Psalm 39:7 And now, Lord, what wait I for? my hope is in thee.