Monday, January 29, 2007

To Whom It May Concern


Dear People Who Live In My House,

You know I love, dare I say, adore all of you.
You are the lights of my life and the funk in my funky cold medina.
Unfortunately, I feel an overwhelming desire to suffocate each of you while you sleep.
I do not ask for much. I do not require flowers, cards, nor candy. I myself have eschewed Mother’s Day and all its pretense and try every year to ignore my own birthday.
I have never forced anyone to watch a chick flick or to drink soy milk. I am not weepy when I have PMS. I put the toilet seat down and never speak a word about it. I have walked through so many fart clouds I barely notice much less complain about it.
But, my friends; my beloved men...I fear I am near my breaking point.
How, when I have straightened the house, loaded the dishwasher and put away all the junk you insist on piling around the house; do you manage to completely destroy the joint before I wake up in the morning?
Must you really toss the throw pillow on to the floor? Is there no other choice but to make a pile of sweat socks in the living room as though preparing a sacrifice to the stink gods? When exactly did you conduct the poll that initiated the decision to leave Gatorade bottles crammed between the sofa cushions?
And how do you manage all of the above and more in the mere nine hours a night that I am upstairs in bed? Do you never sleep?
And so, it’s been a nice run. But now you’re going to have to go meet Jesus. Let’s see how He likes waking up to find his television reset for video games and is unable to undo it so he can watch Fox 2 News with Alan Lee.

Sincerely,
Me

Isaiah 1:16
Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong...

10 comments:

tina fabulous said...

i'd say theyre lucky you tolerated them for this long.
let me know if you need help with evidence disposal. i've got a shovel and a lot of time to kill.

Deb said...

What a refreshing way to threaten your loved ones....

MSUgal86 said...

you need an award for living with so much testosterone!

Margie said...

I'll be praying for them...


and if you and Tina need help... cutting them up and putting them in garbage bags is called the 'Gemini Method'. don't ask how I know...

tina fabulous said...

nice!
and thanks to the history channel, i now know the proper way to boil a head to maximize storage space. because no one likes a bunch of big cumbersome heads.

MSUgal86 said...

be careful what you say about my PRECIOUS nephews or TEE TEE will get mad and you girls don't want TEE TEE comin' after yous'!

Pat said...

This is a perfect example of the downfall of civilization.

Jada's Gigi said...

My sister has two boys and can totally relate..me, I know exactly why God gave em to her and not me! they have both lived to see 21...may God help us all!...
and the smell..OMGosh the smell!!!

KayMac said...

I grew up w/ 3 brothers, me being the only girl...need i say more?!!

I will watch some CSI reruns tonite to get some ideas. Anything to help!

Mrs. Mac said...

does your living smell like a boys locker room? When my oldest son moved out, I gutted his room, painted, replaced carpet, closet doors, the works. It's hard to get rid of "guy" stink! I feel for you; especially the fart clouds (whew!)