Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Why me? Insert foot stomping here.
How did I get wrapped up in this mess?
I’m in the middle of a fine mess. I spent quite a bit of time this week trying to extricate myself from the wreckage. This involved discussing things I wish I didn’t know and defending my own integrity with not much besides my reputation to speak on my behalf.
It's been a rough week with a side of tension headache and some anger, righteous and otherwise.
Want to know the details? Not right now. Probably later when the dust settles.
My emotions have flown through the spectrum. Anxiety, anger, fear, anger, worry, anger, indignant, anger, defensive, anger....
Finally I've settled down enough for my prayers to become a bit more coherent and a little less ranting. In my prayer time I managed to ask God a question and then shut up long enough to hear an answer. This is a nice bonus when I am rational enough to do it.
Why God, am I in the middle of this? I was way on the outer edges, just a spectator really. And now I’m dead-center. How did this happen? Shouldn’t you have had my back? Shouldn’t you have been keeping an eye on things? Did ya get distracted by Brittany and K-Fed?
Then this, “Nothing touches you without my permission, you know that.”
Then whhhyyyyyy? Whiny inflection.
“Because if you weren’t invested personally, you wouldn’t pray as passionately.”
“I know you, Little One. You’d pray in passing and go on with your day. But now you’re in it up to your eye balls. Now you’ll really intercede.”
“Oh, it’s fair. You’ll be fine. You’ll sweat a little, be uncomfortable, be stretched. You’ll have a little bit of sleeplessness. But you’ll be fine.”
It’s not fine! I would’ve prayed regardless!
“No, you wouldn’t have prayed like you will now. Now you’re in it with her. Now you have to get past your anger at the one who wronged you to do the real work I have for you. Now you will pray for her. Now it can’t slip your mind.”
But it’s true. I was aware of something happening just out of my bubble of self-interest. I didn’t really pray that much about it. But when it involves us, it really does get our attention doesn’t it? So God will see me through unharmed, I really believe this. But there will be a path from here to there that will be uncomfortable. An opportunity to let myself be stretched into a finer reflection of Christ. To forgive someone who doesn’t deserve forgiving. To believe I’m safe in Him. To become invested in someone else’s life so that I’m driven to my knees on their behalf, and my own.
It’s a new lesson for me and it hurts a little.
I’m ready Lord, for the lesson. I’m willing to be your servant, to be caught in the cross-fire. To be the innocent bystander grazed by the bullet. To believe you’ll keep me safe.
I’ll pray for the one who is far from you who pushed me into the battle against my will.
I’ll consider it my privilege to be used in this situation.
Thanks for the opportunity God.
And, you do have my back; just like always.
Jeremiah 39:17-19 (New International Version)
17 But I will rescue you on that day, declares the LORD; you will not be handed over to those you fear. 18 I will save you; you will not fall by the sword but will escape with your life, because you trust in me, declares the LORD.' "