I'm working on forgiveness. Wanna know who I'm mad at? Nobody. I'm working on forgiving myself. Working on believing I can be more than my history would predict. Giving myself a new day and another chance. Getting outside of the box I so happily/miserably live in.
I'm kind of fascinated right now by the idea of forgiveness, probably with Easter around the corner it's a natural thing to think on. There's a song on the radio now called "By His Wounds"; it's on the Glory Revealed CD. I can't get enough of it; I keep seeking back to Track 2 to hear it again and again. Amazing thing, forgiveness.
There's lots about myself I don't like. I think I need to change and forgive myself. I need to push myself in some areas and give myself a break in others. I need to know myself and what I need to feel fulfilled and not hold others responsible for that feeling, or lack thereof.
Right now I'm looking around my house and I don't like what I see. It's messy, neglected. It needs an Extreme Makeover. I've been mad at the Mr.; Daboyz and myself about it. I can't over-state how much it bothers me. I thought for a long time I was ashamed, and that's partially true. But not all true.
I need a place to fill me up and calm me down and I need my house to do that. Some people need girls' nights out, dinner dates, movies or vacations. Not me. I need my house to wrap itself around me and give me back to myself.
My house is teaching me a lesson about forgiveness. I need to forgive myself for doing a poor job of becoming a career woman/homemaker. I need to forgive the Mr. because he sucks at home maintenance; and admit I've done a poor job of explaining to him why this matters so much.
If I don't forgive, I won't move on. And oh, how I want and need to move on. I need my house back.
No more heels dug in with stubborn determination. If you don't like how you're living; time to pony up and fix what's broken. There's a metaphor in there somewhere.
Can you forgive your house for being a dump? I'm tryin'.