The GACK Attack

Gack!

Today we are having photographs taken by the best photographer we know, Kelly! That is not what makes me go "Gack!" Well, Kelly doesn't make me go "Gack!" What makes me go "Gack!" is that my body and face and hair look like someone who, well, someone who has been married about twenty five years!

The narrow window of the size ten? Missed it! These will be size 16 photographs. Gack! (Don't you repeat this but if I were to wear my Merona brand jeans from Target, they would be size 18 photographs. GACK!)

I'm here to tell you, I almost didn't do it. I almost didn't schedule those photographs. I almost talked myself into waiting until I was at least down to a 12. And then I almost waited until my hair is somehow better, although I'm not sure what that means. And then I almost waited until I discover the secret of perfect eye make-up, after all, I've only been working on that mystery for slightly longer than I've been married. But I did it, I asked Kelly to do our anniversary pictures. Probably, said I to myself, she is much too busy! And certainly doesn't want to take our fat old pictures! Probably, I said to myself, she will say, "Gack! I have better things to do with my time than take their fat old pictures!" So what did she say? She said "Of course!"

Gack!

Here we are, the day has come. We are having our twenty fifth anniversary photographs done by Kelly Turpin at the Henry Ford Fairlane Estate.

So I'm sitting around yesterday and I says to myself I says, "What you need to do Fatty Fat Fat is go get you some of them there Spanx what sucks in your fattitude!" Did you know them Spanx cost near 'round $85? That's not why I didn't go get them. There is one important reason I am not wearing Spanx under my size 16 (NOT 18 MERONA!) jeans.

1. I didn't want to put on my bra which is required if I am leaving the house.

So there we'll be in all of our glory right out in front of God, Henry and everybody captured for posterity. Gack!

Needless to say, I have had a stressful week of drinking many bottles of water to flush out 40 pounds in 5 days. That doesn't work by the way. I have made several slight variations to my hair and the result has been that no one has noticed.

Finally I went to the Rock of my Salvation with my burdens and asked the Lord, "Lord, should I wear taupe or lavender eye shadow when getting my picture taken?"

And the Lord said, "Good grief woman! Do you look at other people with the same mean, critical eyes that you use on yourself? If so, shame on you and knock it off."

Well! Well. Well? Do I? Do I look at other people and think to myself that they are looking fatter or older or have bad hair? I think maybe that's not so bad to notice but do I, somewhere deep inside, kind of maybe get a little satisfaction from it? Actually, no. No I don't. I used to, I used to look at other people with the same mean, critical eyes I used on myself. But I outgrew that. I may be drawing near to the need for reading glasses but I have much better spiritual vision now. The last few years, just about everybody I see looks downright beautiful.

That's Jesus in me. I'm seeing the world like Jesus sees it. Except the world in the mirror.

If the world has turned prettier, so have I or the Holy Spirit is a liar.

So we are having our pictures taken by Kelly in celebration of our twenty fifth wedding anniversary. And they are going to be beautiful. In twenty five years maybe we'll do it again and surely our eyes will have grown dimmer. Of one thing I am sure, I will see beauty.