Saturday, June 09, 2012

Submitting myself to God

I've not been feeling my best for several days now.  Does anyone have the feeling of being a little nuts and hesitant to keep going back to the doctor when all of the tests say everything is fine?  After 24 hours in the hospital and being "cleared,"  I keep thinking maybe I'm over reacting to my discomfort.  But there's a gentle nudging in my spirit to pursue this and so I will. 
It actually takes some degree of courage to keep pushing for answers.  I know my boss is frustrated with my time off; especially when I have to report back that everything is normal.  It gets increasingly difficult to tell doctors what's going on & that I'm not comfortable just brushing it off.  Until I'm satisfied with the answers, I need to keep asking the questions. 
While I'm pursuing answers in the natural, I am also trying to open my heart to the reasons in the supernatural.  I live in the palm of God's hand and my body is his.  If there is pain in my body, it is there with his permission.  It has occurred to me that the slowness of medical answers is purposeful in the Lord's plan.  It has me quieting myself and asking, "What is it that you want of me?  What is your reason?"  I hunger more for understanding the will of God than for the relief of my symptoms.  I can live within an imperfect body but I am realizing, I cannot live without yielding to the hand of Jesus. 
Is there stress in my life that I am actually causing because I am not managing things correctly?
Is there stress in my life that God has given me permission to walk away from, but my lack of faith keeps me paralyzed?  In fact, is God trying to get my attention with this unpleasantness to turn me in another direction? 
I know for certain that there is stress and that it contributes to (if not causes altogether,) my unwellness.  I have presumed that I needed to do a better job of managing things so that the stress would decrease.  Work harder, do better and the pressure will be relieved.  But what if God is allowing the pressure to build because he is telling me that his next step for me is away from the fire, not further in?  As I have been sidelined these last few days and tried to examine my circumstances, I am just starting to see something.  Off in the distance and just coming into focus is an image...
It is a person standing on the horizon waving his arms and shouting at me, "Turn around, not this way!"  Still I continue forward ignoring the warnings.  "Turn around!"  As I draw closer, I see more.  Behind the waving arms and shouted warnings is a cliff.  If I ignore the shouts and push forward, I will walk myself right off of  it.  Is my "illness" really the arms of God waving, "Turn around!"
Just calling off work has been an act of faith that I've not managed with particular dignity and peace.  While I've never doubted God's ability to fix my body, I've only just now realized that my prayer must be for favor as well.  God's love for me covers the entirety of my life.   If God does not choose to relieve my illness, I have to trust him to soften the hearts of people who are affected by my situation. 
I have found the root of the chaos in my thoughts; I suspect that walking away from my stress will relieve my body.  It's what I want, to take a different path.  But my faith remains small, so small that I cannot reconcile that the deepest desire of my heart is the very thing that God is almost forcing me to pursue.  How silly it is and yet here I am, struggling with the idea that God may not require me to do the hard thing.  My heart aligned with his, would that not be the very thing that the enemy would want to confuse?  A breakthrough for me perhaps. 
My daydreams may very well be the Holy Spirit's attempt to open my eyes to the next wonderful thing.  Is it so hard to believe, that he would give me the desires of my heart?  In this moment, I bow myself to the Lord's will and thank him for this mysterious illness.  I submit myself to his blessing.

1 comment:

Saija said...

hoping this week is a week of FEELING better!