Wednesday, January 23, 2008
To find my self un-depressed.
It is not to find myself without disappointment or hurt feelings or fear. It is to find myself able to speak my hurt, face my disappointment and walk through my fear. It is to tell my husband what lays heavy on my heart, to cry without shame and to accept his apology, his comfort and his love without reservation. It is to allow myself to lay my head on his chest as he holds me and to let peace settle in.
It is not to stop loving food and wanting to over eat. It is to not need food to distract me from emotions too great to face. It is to eat slowly with pleasure and then to realize half-way through that I am satisfied. It is to have a snack before dinner and then to eat a smaller dinner. It is to eat breakfast and realize with amazement that I am not hungry until lunch time, to eat lunch and realize with amazement that I am not hungry until dinner time. It is to realize that I am not hungry because my emotions are not driving me to eat any longer.
It is not to have more friends. It is to be hugged and hear my name spoken and to look up with astonishment at this new understanding; I am loved. It is to receive love and conversation without feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. It is to believe that these people choose to be my friends and want my company.
It is not to be more spiritual. It is to stand in quiet worship to see what God sees in me. It is to breathe in acceptance unearned. It is to not sing along and yet to join in worship from within. It is to look on the faces of those worshiping and know I am one of them.
It is not to be beautiful. It is to be happy within this skin. It is to look older than some and younger than others because I am. It is to feel peaceful and it shows in my face. It is to not assume that others judge me harshly. It is to know that this is the body I occupy and it is prettier than some, uglier than others. It is to believe my husband thinks I am beautiful in pajamas without make-up and that is enough beauty for anyone to claim. It is to receive a compliment and believe that at that moment, that person finds me beautiful and to be grateful to be loved.
It is to sleep well and wake up without fear. It is to stay up late and not be exhausted in the morning. It is to love myself enough to take extra time to put on lotion at night and wear high heels with my jeans because I feel cute. It is to be annoyed but not enraged. It is no nightmares at night and no dread in the day. It is understanding new things and learning easier and meeting new people with confidence. It is knowing that for all that time, God was not disappointed in me nor did he turn his face away. It is understanding that it is not sin to be sad and that Christ hurts when I do. It is to feel redeemed and then redeemed again.
It is to become alive.
Psalm 4:1 Answer me when I call to you,O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
A word about the painting above by the artist, Ruth Greenup
The dancing lady is a Hebrew woman completely consumed in the Joy of God, in mid-air, worshipping Him in the Praise of the Dance. As I painted this painting, I often thought of the Joy of Miriam and the other women dancing in Joy, Praise and Thanksgiving to God after they, and Moses and all the people, crossed through the Red Sea on dry ground...and that God is the same for us today. This is a painting for all people. The dancing lady represents the Jewish people, the chosen people. And she also represents us all (every human on earth), partaking in the Life more Abundant that Jesus wants to give...Every person: His Chosen people, grafted in by Him.