No idea why, but this is the picture that gets to me. I have pictures of myself all dolled up and looking cute and they don't make me cringe like this one. Maybe it's because one of the most wonderful things about a healthy weight is the not needing to be dolled up to be comfortable. This was taken in 2005 at a family get-together and I had come from work. And here it is, the confession I don't want to make, thirty pounds lighter. I never said it could never happen, and sure enough...
As much as I hate this, I have zero motivation for Weight Watchers right now even though I know it works for me. I made an attempt at going back a month or so ago and just can't catch the wave. No argument about needing to, just being honest with you. I don't know what I was thinking. Well, yes I do. I was virtually starving to maintain my goal weight of 150 pounds. I let myself creep up to near 160 and felt, I could live with that. However, I didn't level out and maintain. Now I'm at that size that I had formerly said was the borderline where I crossed into fat. I'm fat again.
If you wonder why I'm writing this or why I haven't written it sooner; it's because I need to feel the weight (figuratively and literally) to start myself back toward control. I have tried to convince myself that it was only a small increase and that most people probably didn't notice. I know, you noticed. I can see my butt from my front. My wedding ring is snug. I'm on my second generation of bigger jeans (just one pair until I get back down.) Back to trying on my clothes ahead of time to be sure they fit. Back to avoiding people who haven't seen me in a while. Back to making jokes about being fat to let people know I'm aware and ok with it. LIES.
I have capris pants and shorts that will not fit me when warm weather rolls around if I don't get it together.
So there it is, my confession. I am too humbled to make any grand statements about my weight and plan to diet. Just pray for me.
There should not be so much good in my life that is lost in the shadow of my appetite.
1 Timothy 6:12 Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.
9 comments:
Girl, I can SO relate! I can convince myself and everyone else that my weight gain is from being on steroids. While a portion is, the rest isn't! I HATE the weight where I am right now but to think of how much I need to lose, it's TOO overwhelming! Dave told me just to focus on 5 pounds at a time. I know he's right but I hate the thought of dieting. I am also tired of beating myself up over it!
Connie
Can I tell you something? I don't notice. Maybe it's because when I look at you, I don't notice your weight, I notice your heart. I remember days of emailing on days I thought I'd never make it, crying over greek salad and coneys, enjoying converstations over Panera that seemed light years aways from crying over coneys. I see someone who is a godo accountability person/partner for me because you hold me accountable but I never feel judged.
Maybe it's because I love you.
But how you feel about your weight, that's on you... I think the same thing about not wanting to see people because I'm sure they've noticed too, only it's not 30 pounds heavier since 2004, it's 65. And except for my weight, the happiest I've ever been. Hmmm...
I'm am currently attempting to do Weight Watchers on my own. (I don't want to go to a meeting by myself) I hate every second of it.
One moment at a time sweetie. That's what I tell me self every day. So far, I'm still fat, but it still gives me hope!
That should have been:
tell MY self.
I sounded like I'm Irish .. or Popeye!
I'm doing a low carb thing...not really strictly but I'm trying to follow the rule " Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out credit card" :) and if the skimping is done on carbs then all the better. I feel much better and look better but gosh I need to eat all day! :)
but as my hubby reminds me...he wants us to still be having fun into our 80s. :) so I gotta suck it up now.
We all struggle with something ... I'll pray for you my precious Thara .. as the commerical says "I am so much more than a number on a scale" and we are! And as Margie said, we notice your heart ... it's a big heart and it encompasses so much that is good and true and I for one am blessed to call you friend and sister.
I loveth you.
I'm praying right along with you sister!! ....and was just about to blog about this very subject... I just may have to do it now.
Do we need to start a 'diet club' for the Sisters of the Traveling Scarf club? (optional of course)
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