Tuesday, October 14, 2008


We both had the day off and although I have pretty strict rules about caffeine and water, I broke 'em.
Instead of two cups of coffee in the morning, I had four.
Instead of stopping caffeine after 9:00 a.m. and switching to water, I drank none. No water. All day.
Instead I had a McDonald's iced coffee, large. Sugar and caffeine!
At dinner I had a large diet Pepsi.
When I got home I had a Snapple Plum-a-granate iced tea.
I think there was another Snapple in there somewhere.
As we were driving home from dinner I thought to myself, self, you know what's coming. You're going to get into bed and all this caffeine is gonna kick in. I know what that feels like. It's not simple insomnia. Nope. It's an anxiety attack that takes about three hours to subside. This if I have caffeinated pop at dinner. Never mind all the other caffeine I'd taken in and no water in the mix whatsoever. So I knew what was coming and that there is nothing but to prepare my mind by knowing what's coming and start talking myself off the ledge.
Oh, yeah, I can spiral right outta control faster than you can make another pot of coffee.
And yet, it always feels so real, the oppression and fear of the anxiety attack. Even when I predicted it as a caffeine fit three hours before it happens, when it hits I'm freaked.So why did I do this to myself? Stupidity, not thinking ahead, convincing myself this time it wouldn't matter. Forgetting just how miserable that all night anxiety attack is.
More interestingly, why, when I know what is going to happen does it still freak me out?
Jesus talked to us about this very thing. Be prepared, the world will hate you. And yet, when it does we are shocked. The world can hurt my little feelings. The world is mean and I don't like playing with it. You know who the world is? People. One of which I sometimes am. Just as people hate on me, I hate on people. Sometimes I'm left speechless by the crazies that come knocking on my door. People who expend an amount of energy on me when really, I'm not worth the effort. I'd climb on a high horse except that I fear that I'm spending some energy I shouldn't spend on people myself. Probably when I've had too much caffeine.
So I shouldn't be surprised when people hate on me. I should do some emotional prep work by believing Jesus when he warned me about it and so finding my true satisfaction in him and him alone. Put my trust only in Christ and let the crazies roll on by.
Oh, and lay off the caffeine. You crazies out there could try that one yourself.

1 John 3:13 Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you.


Amrita said...

Oh dear Sara.

I like your picture, that 's how i feel when i am frustrated with my Mom... just baring my heart!

Trish said...

This crazy because of Anxiety attacks quit the coffee for 2 years! I am now drinking it again but limit myself to 3 cups a day (most of the time) I've cut way back on my favorite Tim Hortons because it really gives me the Heebie Jeebie if I drink it regularly!!! Those sleepless nights of sitting on the couch feeling like I can't breathe and am having a heart attack or stroke...are HORRIBLE! Thank the Lord I recognize them coming on and Thank the Lord for my Dr. who recognized this and my depression.
Because of treatment (meds) I rarely get to that point anymore!!! Love you sweet girl!

Louise said...

Oh Thara, I don't do caffeine, but SUGAR does this to me. I am wired for sound and ready to play whenever I injest too much of it. Panic & anxiety attacks are miserable. Awful. Not good. And yet the chocolate ice cream beckons "come, come, it's alright, you can have just a little" Lies! All lies! Stayeth away from me sugar!

Mrs. Mac said...

just breath ...