Today I had a conversation that I feel finally closed a door I've been holding open. Why? Security? Disbelief? Fear? I don't know. Maybe just some innate thought that I always need a Plan B. So it appears clear to me now that this door I've had my foot jammed into needs to quietly click shut. And what a relief it was! I felt so silly when I walked away thinking, why have I been so reluctant? I think I don't trust in myself and then I can't quite figure out where I end and God begins so accidentally, the mistrust spills over onto him.
I started thinking a few weeks back about something and then decided I needed to try, one more time, and see if there was anything there to pursue. Sound mysterious? It's not all that interesting but private enough that I think it needs to stay unnamed. But anyway, I went ahead and did some investigating. After my initial glance back (like Lot's wife?), I found myself caught up in conversations that left me wondering exactly what was I looking for? Well I figured it out.
I was looking for something that wasn't there. Something that had a purpose and was a wonderful time in my life and a tremendous blessing but it was limited by time. And time had run out.
I took away lots of treasures but the thing itself was done.
And that's not a bad realization. It allows me to get up tomorrow morning with a new perspective. One of embracing and claiming what is on the other side of the door. And I have come to understand recently that I was still standing on the thresh hold, peeking in but not really settling in. Standing in the doorway and imagining paint on the walls and furnishings to claim it as my own but not feeling brave or sure enough. Wondering if I should step forward or backward. And so, in a way, occupying neither space completely.
Now I know. I have stepped forward and allowed the door to click shut. Locked? I don't know. But firmly shut. I'm ready and even excited to embrace the new.
Am I talking about my new old house?
But not really. It is all of a piece. It's a lesson happening figuratively and literally at the same time. How dense do you have to be for God to do that before you get it?
So that conversation this morning, it was almost insulting. I almost became hurt, suspicious, humiliated and offended. And then the Holy Spirit quickly settled me down and I understood that all those negative emotions were born of my own glancing backwards. By turning my vision toward the new my heart found joy. And an embarrassed confession to God that I had been holding on to a safety net just in case he let me down or I missed the message or something.
I told the Mr. it feels good to have the safety net snatched away. Because now I'm forced to fly.
Luke 17:32 Remember Lot's wife!
Now I just need to learn to stop mixing metaphors!