Monday, September 28, 2009
Everyone once in a while, God seems to nudge me to share something here and I don't know why. Today is such a day...
A few years ago Dean & I got into an argument. No idea what it was about. I just remember it being one of those fights that starts on point number one and then takes on a life of its own. Have you ever had one of those? It was like the anger and hurt I was feeling had become more of an issue than the actual issue. And I couldn't be done with it. I had let my emotions get so huge that I couldn't be soothed with any apology. He said something that day that stopped me short and I've never forgotten it. He said this, "You have to stop. If I ever lost you, I'd be through." Why would he say such a thing? Well, because those ugly emotions bore very ugly words as I hurled everything I could think of at my husband. Things like I didn't need him, I didn't have to put up with his crap. You get the idea. I used anger as an excuse to throw all the rules of love away. I have to say, his words stunned me. In the face of such stubborn hurt, he made himself completely vulnerable to me. While I was telling him how tough and strong I was, he told me how weak he was. While I yelled about how powerful I could be, he agreed that he was powerless. It was one of the most loving and amazing moments of our marriage. And I've never returned to that no-holds-barred kind of arguing.
Every once in a while, I think about that day. I can still see him as he said it, "If I ever lost you, I'd be through." I believed him. I saw how I could hurt him. And I never want to hurt him like that again.
I don't know why I'm thinking of this today. I've never told anyone that story. Who wants to broadcast their nasty marital spats? But this morning as I was getting ready for work, I kissed him good bye and thought to myself, this is my forever love. You have to take that seriously. You can't assume that one word, one rejection, one silent moment too many cannot break life into pieces.
I pushed Dean that day with every desire to hurt him and when I did, I was mortified. For one tiny moment I had him convinced that I could stop loving him. It was just a heartbeat in time. Never again. I don't know why I'm telling you this story. I guess I'm just in the mood to thank God for this love.
And in case you're wondering, if I ever lost him; I'd be through too.