Monday, September 28, 2009


Everyone once in a while, God seems to nudge me to share something here and I don't know why. Today is such a day...
A few years ago Dean & I got into an argument. No idea what it was about. I just remember it being one of those fights that starts on point number one and then takes on a life of its own. Have you ever had one of those? It was like the anger and hurt I was feeling had become more of an issue than the actual issue. And I couldn't be done with it. I had let my emotions get so huge that I couldn't be soothed with any apology. He said something that day that stopped me short and I've never forgotten it. He said this, "You have to stop. If I ever lost you, I'd be through." Why would he say such a thing? Well, because those ugly emotions bore very ugly words as I hurled everything I could think of at my husband. Things like I didn't need him, I didn't have to put up with his crap. You get the idea. I used anger as an excuse to throw all the rules of love away. I have to say, his words stunned me. In the face of such stubborn hurt, he made himself completely vulnerable to me. While I was telling him how tough and strong I was, he told me how weak he was. While I yelled about how powerful I could be, he agreed that he was powerless. It was one of the most loving and amazing moments of our marriage. And I've never returned to that no-holds-barred kind of arguing.

Every once in a while, I think about that day. I can still see him as he said it, "If I ever lost you, I'd be through." I believed him. I saw how I could hurt him. And I never want to hurt him like that again.
I don't know why I'm thinking of this today. I've never told anyone that story. Who wants to broadcast their nasty marital spats? But this morning as I was getting ready for work, I kissed him good bye and thought to myself, this is my forever love. You have to take that seriously. You can't assume that one word, one rejection, one silent moment too many cannot break life into pieces.
I pushed Dean that day with every desire to hurt him and when I did, I was mortified. For one tiny moment I had him convinced that I could stop loving him. It was just a heartbeat in time. Never again. I don't know why I'm telling you this story. I guess I'm just in the mood to thank God for this love.
And in case you're wondering, if I ever lost him; I'd be through too.

8 comments:

Elizabeth said...

All i can say is WOW...through tears streaming down my face!! i am so guilty of letting words fly that can never be taken back. thank you so much Sara for your honesty. you are such an encouragement to me as i look for fresh encouragement from you daily! You are a blessing!!
Love you!

Mrs. Mac said...

The good, the bad, and the ugly of marriage is what sharpens a couple. Glad you learned and moved on even stronger as a unit.

Constance said...

I feel the same way, I have a HUGE appreciation for my Husband and his love. Sometimes we need those "A HA" moments to bring us back to our senses!
Connie

Amrita said...

Thank you for this Sara.

Jada's Gigi said...

I've had a few of those eye opening, life changing, terrible moments myself and let me say...there are lines in a relationship that you never ever want to cross...and we have all either done so or come awfully close to it. Thank God He pulled me back...just in time on more than one occasion....I too can say..never again...
What DID make you think of this today?? God Bless, sister...He is gracious and kind...

Debra said...

This was amazing. Thanks so much for sharing such a powerful story. Blessings, Debra

Jacquelyn said...

Thank you for being so honest and sharing with this story from your past. I imagine many of us have "been there". Now I think about my two sons that are in the early stages of marriage, and it keeps me on my knees for them. It's so easy to get into one of those arguments, as you said, that take on a life of their own. Only one thing can save us from self-destructing: GRACE! God's grace!

Stacy said...

I know why God wanted you to share, because somewhere out there, someone is reading and feeling convicted...it is utterly amazing when someone can love you even though you just said something hurtful to them, that they can act on the kind of love God calls us to have...we need reminders. Sara, thank you for sharing something so personal that was just that.