Monday, June 14, 2010

The Season Of The Missing Rectum

So last Sunday off to the emergency room we went with Ben, the Mr.'s dad, to begin this drama. His mom had called us over because Ben was out of it, even more than usual. Waayyy out of it. A 911 call and ambulance ride later, there we were in the corridor of a very busy emergency room with Ben on a gurney and the Mr. and I at either end like fat gargoyles or something.

There was a very tiny very old woman curled up on the stretcher across from Ben. I don't know if you've ever had such an experience, but some very tiny very old women are VERY VERY LOUD in a screechy blood curdling kind of way. Below is what transpired. I will call the very tiny very old lady Agnes. Her sister, I shall call Ragnes.


Agnes: I NEED SOMETHIN' FER PAIN!!! (please use a Southern drawl for Agnes' voice.)

Agnes: I NEED SOMETHIN' FER PAIN!!!

Agnes: I NEED SOMETHIN' FER PAIN!!!




Not that this went on constantly, only when a nurse, housekeeper doctor, patient, security guard, visitor or the Holy Spirit passed by.


Agnes: I NEED SOMETHIN' FER PAIN!!!


Please be aware that nurses were stopping in to check on Agnes to inform her that she wasn't due yet for her pain medicine. However, you'll understand Agnes' situation when you understand the following...




Agnes: MY RECTUM! OH MY RECTUM!


Ragnes: Your rectum still hurting? (Ragnes was roughly 114 years old, clearly Agnes' baby sister.)


Agnes: I CAME HERE FER PAIN IN MA RECTUM!! I NEED SOMETHIN' FER PAIN!!




Ben:(Oh it's getting fun now!) SHE NEEDS SOMETHING FOR PAIN!


Agnes: I NEED SOMETHIN' FER PAIN!


Ben: ARE YOU STILL IN PAIN?


Agnes: (Hold on to your hats ladies & gentlemen!) They took my rectum for tests hours ago and never gave it back! WHEN ARE THEY BRINGING BACK MA RECTUM?


Ben: SOMEBODY TOOK HER RECTUM! WHEN ARE YOU BRINGING BACK HER RECTUM?


Agnes: I NEED SOMETHIN' FER PAIN!!!


Ben: SHE NEEDS SOMETHING FOR PAIN! WHO HAS HER RECTUM?


Agnes: OHHHH HELP ME! I NEED SOMETHIN' FER PAIN!!!


Ben: (to housekeeper), Do you have this lady's rectum?


Housekeeper: Um, no sir. I, uh, don't have that. I'll get the nurse.


Ben: SHE'S GONNA GET THE NURSE TO FIND YOUR RECTUM!


Agnes: I NEED SOMETHIN' FER PAIN! OHHH PLEASE BRING BACK MA RECTUM!


Ben: SHE NEEDS SOMETHING FOR PAIN AND SOMEONE STILL HAS HER RECTUM!


Ragnes: (Standing up with her cane and turning to leave) I gotta get outta here. Call me when you know what's going on.




Agnes: I NEED SOMETHIN' FER PAIN!!!


Ragnes: (over her shoulder as she hobbles down the emergency room corridor) Yeah? ME TOO!


Ben: WE NEED SOMEONE OVER HERE WITH THIS LADY'S RECTUM!


This only lasted seven hours. It's not like it was ridiculous or anything.

Such is our life.




9 comments:

Patty H. said...

Oh, my goodness! Sounds like she'd already had something.
Patty H.

Debra said...

Oh. My. Goodness.

There are no other words. :) ...Debra

Trish said...

If you didn't find humor in this...it would just be sad and depressing. Praying for you guys...been there, done that (dealing with dementia and aging in-laws) and only God gets us through it all.
Love you!

Pat said...

Sometime you have to laugh to keep from crying...this was one of those times.
Did they find it?

Margie said...

someone should have just given her something for her pain and given her rectum back. sheesh!! what's wrong with the nurses at that hospital lol

laughing and praying with you

Louise said...

And I thought I had problems ... this truly puts things in perspective doesn't it?

Mrs. Mac said...

Now I'm speechless! But a minute ago I was chuckling so loud that Jacob woke up from his nap.

Amrita said...

Knee slapping . Did she get her missing body part back?

I would have fallen off my chair.

donna said...

Oh my goodness....what a hoot!