I'm on a quick break from purging. Purging stuff, not food. In fact, if I purged food I wouldn't need to do the other purging. I am purging my dresser and closet of the clothing that I have outgrown. Yes, I've gained lots of weight. I've hung on to clothes for a while now hoping, praying to lose the weight. And I intend to lose the weight, but I'm still purging. I'd been dreading this (which is why I haven't done it) but now that I'm knee deep in size 10s, I feel strangely liberated.
Holding onto to my goal weight was never natural for me. I had to maintain about 1600 calories a day and be aware of food constantly. I was never near anorexia weight, I had an anorexia brain for sure. I don't regret that but I don't need to be that person any longer. I did need it, coming from morbid obesity and working through nursing school it was a part of a rebirthing of a me I could be proud of and I am glad I accomplished it. But now, I don't need it.
This has also been a day of God revealing his goodness to me. Because as I pick up the medium and too small clothing and try to let go of it, he doesn't accuse me of the fatness that prevents me wearing them. He tells me not to worry because I will be able to buy clothes again when the ones I now wear are too large. In other words, I am rid of the shackles of poverty. They stayed wrapped around my heart much longer than they did my bank account. If I get rid of something and need it...I'll be sorry. No more. If I lose weight and need a pair of jeans, I will be able to afford a pair of jeans. Let someone else be blessed with the ones I am discarding for now.
I don't like my weight. It's not ok aesthetically but it's really not ok for my health. I know what happened. A variety of life changes came upon me over the last year and a half and I fell off the wagon (and onto a pile of Lay's potato chips apparently.) I reverted to my old friend, food, to cope. But now I feel my body reacting with more than fat, I hurt in ways that point toward fibromyalgia. I don't sleep well. I have headaches all of the time. And of course, the weight brings about it's own toll on aching knees and sore feet and poor stamina.
Don't let this be a sad story though. It's just another season to learn and grow and I will walk through it all the better for God's loving hand guiding me. I'm not depressed, which itself is evidence of healing in my spirit. I am accepting of this person I now am and mature enough to see the signs of needed change.
So I purge with joy. Thankful for the season of size 10 when I needed it. Aware by the four garbage bags on their way to the Salvation Army that I have been well provided for, no reason to think I'll not be provided for in the future. Listening to my body and mind and the Holy Spirit who speaks into my thoughts, I will learn about this season.