Sunday, January 01, 2012

Right Side Out

Oh dear, I fear I am planning on breaking a rule. Yes, planning on it.

If there was a theme in 2011 for me, it was the revelation that being an introvert is not wrong or dysfunctional. It is, in fact, precisely how I was created. Created intentionally.

As I stopped fighting my tendencies and started exploring and understanding myself, I found such a deep peace. Without realizing it, I had been under condemnation for a very long time, believing that the very fiber of who I was was displeasing to God. So much of what I have done and felt has been in an effort to extrovert my introverted spirit. I have been baffled at times as to why I found such simple joy in solitude and quiet and it was wrong. I have been utterly perplexed as I continued to submit myself to the Holy Spirit to change this heart of mine and he simply would not do it.

In 2011 I finally came to understand that I was trying to take off my soul garment and turn it inside out and then put it back on. Of course the Holy Spirit wouldn't oblige, why should I go about my life wearing my self inside out? A silly question indeed but that is what I've been doing for as long as I can remember.

Sometime about midway through 2011, I awoke on a Sunday morning and did not go to church and found there was not knot of guilt in my stomach. Either I had become a reprobate or I had taken a step closer to knowing myself as I am known. In my quiet house on Sunday mornings since, I have watched church services on television, read my Bible, put gospel music on or (more often) simply sat drinking in God.

There's a sweet, sweet spirit in this place; and I know that it's the spirit of the Lord.

In my family room with coffee in one hand and the other in the air I have wept before Jesus, tears of relief and release and the long-awaited truth that I am accepted just as I am (without one plea but that thy blood was shed for me.)

About that rule I'm about to break? Well, quite honestly, I do believe that rule may have come from the same source as my feelings of rejection. I am planning on visiting a Methodist church. Raised in the charismatic movement of the 1970s and always involved in pentecostal churches, I have wondered if a quieter and even liturgical service might suit my quiet heart. I really don't know that it will, but it is another chain broken that I feel permitted to seek God under a different steeple.

But that thou biddest me, come to thee, oh Lamb of God I come...I come.

6 comments:

Lori Alexander said...

I felt totally uncomfortable in charismatic churches. Even raising my hands while singing isn't natural to me. I think it is great that you want to find a church more like your personality. I don't think God cares where and how you worship as much as He cares that you do worship in a good, Bible teaching church. Blessings, Lori

Elizabeth said...

I love this post and certainly identify with it!

Margie said...

:)

Becky said...

How'd you like it?

Debra said...

Loved this!! One of your best posts ever and I could totally identify with it. Thanks! Blessings, Debra

Louise said...

No wonder we get along so well Thara! You and I are introverts! I too have tried to turn my soul inside out and it never worked. I too love the solace and quiet times...usually each morning and again at nite...I could spend an entire day alone and not mind one whit. In fact, I look forward to being by myself! Thank you for writing this. Have you found the church for you? I think if I were looking, I would try a Lutheran church to see how they are. But I'm not looking for a new church! I am content where God has placed me...where the Bible is taught and the Word of God holds sway over everything else.
Bless you my dear friend.