What I Want For Valentimes Day

1. 20 rose bushes

2. 2 giant lilac bushes

3. big hair

4. a boob job

5. washboard abs

6. spring
7. 20/20 vision
8. to meet C.S. Lewis

9. to be able to sing (well)

10. a river running through my back yard

The Bride

After all these years, I have learned how to be a bride. I've thrown aside the former child bride who constantly sought affirmation of her beauty and her worth. Instead of standing before my husband like a delicate china bowl in need of filling, I now pour myself out over him. Where I once listened for the pretty words that told me I was loved, I now speak for myself.

The vulnerability of the young girl remains but it is not that born of need but of trust. Wedding gown and veil are replaced by bathrobe and pony tail now. Yes, my life is wholly in his hands. I am whole within myself now and have learned that speaking life is what draws a hedge of protection around us, not speaking death and fear.
This is the purpose of marriage, to teach us in flesh what was already real in spirit. That we are the bride of Christ. The wedding of earth is a reflection of the divine, not the other way around. The bride doesn't come limping to the altar begging, "Give me a veil, pick me a bouquet, tell me how you love me." No, the bride prepares herself with carefully chosen garments and closely studied words to present herself to her groom whole and beautiful. The bride is a picture of confidence standing with head held high not to be reassured that she is treasured but to show her husband that he is worth her very best. Her vows are meant to speak the truth of her love. She is at the altar to present herself to her groom. She does not wait in a back room wondering why he has not come to find her but she marches up the aisle to take her place beside him.

The bride stands in utter joy, her back turned to her family and friends with her arm entwined with her groom's facing God to say that this is the course she has chosen for her life. Needing only to be his bride, she will always see God before her.

The other night I got into bed and said my evening prayer, "I love you." That was the first time I remember such a short conversation with God. No needs to present or praise to specify, just I love you.

Sometimes I have to say what I need, and I know it is important to speak with clarity instead of daring my husband to figure it out. "I'm unhappy, guess why?" Usually that means I don't know myself but like a petulant child, I want someone else to take my sadness away. When I talk to God I pour myself out with honesty and ask him to help me be more honest yet and so when it is time to speak of needs, I let the divine marriage be my guide. There are times that I need to praise and those times too must be spoken aloud. I tell God of my joy, my gratitude and that he is everything, enough and all to me. This too teaches me how to speak life into my husband's ear. Somehow the balance of need and praise strengthen me just in the speaking of it.

Why do I tell God my needs? Why do I praise him? Can there be a parallel in the flesh?

I've learned to be a bride, knowing that Christ set the example that while one falls, the other is willing to redeem the fallen through their own pain. I've learned that the foundation of praise convinces me that he is able to meet my needs. I've learned that the wedding isn't about me being admired but that I stand before the world sending the message that this man is worthy of my very best because it is he who is to be admired.

I've learned to say I love you before falling asleep.

And when Christ says it back, I cannot hear it aloud but it resonates through my spirit.

I have learned to hear "I love you" as the only truth that matters.

Isaiah 61:10 I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

The Big O

Me and Oprah, fat again.

So with all sincerity I am making the eternal attempt to de-fat. Slightly, ahem, older than my first foray into the defatification my motivation is a little different. I have abandoned the goal of being a hotty and pretty much just want to avoid an early death.

Meanwhile I have a work husband (don't judge me until you have a work husband. Mine is fabulous.) He is also trying to lose weight and I was telling him that I think part of my problem is that the Mr. and I are like codependent junkies, neither one tells the other one "no." And he never makes me feel ugly or fat. So here's our plan,

We are going to verbally abuse each other in order to make one another feel so bad about ourselves that we are forced to diet lest we throw ourselves from the Ambassador Bridge in shame.

Causing lots of second glances at the hospital as we walk down the hall...

"Sow."

"P-i-g; hog."

"Heifer."

"You make me sick."

"Am I blind or am I standing in the shadow of your giant butt?"

I even told the cafeteria lady not to serve him because he was a disgusting tub of lard and I couldn't stand to look at him.

So far I've done laps in the gym and been right on the diet for three days straight.

I'm a firm believer in self-hatred as motivation.

But Not A Real Green Dress,That's Cruel

Tax season is upon us and we have not yet filed our taxes as we generally have to pay which is simply because satan hates our guts and blinds the Turbo Tax to the truth of the matter which is that we need some dollars please.

Anyway, I thought I would take today to daydream and pretend that satan did not live inside of the Turbo Tax and think about if I had a million dollars, give or take.

I would redo my family room/kitchen. Antique white cabinets, black granite counter tops and hardwood floors. Check this out, I want to put in a floor made of a bunch of different kinds of remnant hardwood planks in all different finishes. Cool, huh? Overstuffed chenille couches x 2 in dark brown and antique white paneling on the walls. Mahogany plantation blinds.

I would get me some plastic surgery and relocate the sisters north of my belly button. And why not a tummy tuck? And some lasik please. Perhaps some dental veneers. Is there such a thing as a facial veneer?

I'd knock off the top of my house and build a bedroom suite/office that extends over the first floor including the addition. Oh, and I'd put a breakfast nook off my kitchen in that weird little zone that really should have been added on to when the family room was built, I assume grampa's thriftiness was involved in the decision to stop short. He was once called a "Cheapa da skata" by a Tijuana vendor. I'd put in a privacy fence all the way around my yard and then plant various flora and fauna in front of it on my side. I'd build a potting shed type thing on the south side of my garage. I'd put on new siding in a taupey olivy color with white shutters and black trim and replace the wrought iron porch railing with some arts & crafts Frank Lloyd Wright kind of something or other. I'd put in a stained glass window somewhere, maybe the front door. I'd put in a paver patio and take the railing off the east side of the deck and put in stairs leading to the patio. And a fire pit in the middle.

I'd buy 5 pairs of the exact same Levis. And a bunch of Gold Toe socks. And hats of various types including a raspberry beret, the kind you'd find in a second hand store.

I'd redo my basement.

I'd send Mac to school somewhere far aware forcing him to live in a dorm or at least somewhere that wasn't my house. I'd even buy him a new truck to drive there.

I'd buy hair extensions and lots of smell-goods.

I'd replace the batteries in the many watches I have that don't work.

I'd find the perfect purse.

I'd install a river in my back yard and buy goats to keep the lawn trimmed and build a petting zoo.

I'd find somewhere to store the Mr.'s bass where I couldn't see it.

I think that's all for now. Can I buy you anything?

Haven't you always wanted a mon'key?

Confessing

No idea why, but this is the picture that gets to me. I have pictures of myself all dolled up and looking cute and they don't make me cringe like this one. Maybe it's because one of the most wonderful things about a healthy weight is the not needing to be dolled up to be comfortable. This was taken in 2005 at a family get-together and I had come from work. And here it is, the confession I don't want to make, thirty pounds lighter. I never said it could never happen, and sure enough...

As much as I hate this, I have zero motivation for Weight Watchers right now even though I know it works for me. I made an attempt at going back a month or so ago and just can't catch the wave. No argument about needing to, just being honest with you. I don't know what I was thinking. Well, yes I do. I was virtually starving to maintain my goal weight of 150 pounds. I let myself creep up to near 160 and felt, I could live with that. However, I didn't level out and maintain. Now I'm at that size that I had formerly said was the borderline where I crossed into fat. I'm fat again.

If you wonder why I'm writing this or why I haven't written it sooner; it's because I need to feel the weight (figuratively and literally) to start myself back toward control. I have tried to convince myself that it was only a small increase and that most people probably didn't notice. I know, you noticed. I can see my butt from my front. My wedding ring is snug. I'm on my second generation of bigger jeans (just one pair until I get back down.) Back to trying on my clothes ahead of time to be sure they fit. Back to avoiding people who haven't seen me in a while. Back to making jokes about being fat to let people know I'm aware and ok with it. LIES.

I have capris pants and shorts that will not fit me when warm weather rolls around if I don't get it together.

So there it is, my confession. I am too humbled to make any grand statements about my weight and plan to diet. Just pray for me.

There should not be so much good in my life that is lost in the shadow of my appetite.

1 Timothy 6:12 Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

The Minion Opinion

I've been in a supervisory role at work for a few years. My boss recently moved on to a different position so now we're looking for someone to replace her, my boss. I've spoken with the "head hunter" and of course, all of us are exchanging thoughts about what we need or want in the person who will next be top dog.

Today I was talking about who I might like to work with and my co-worker challenged me with his thoughts. His ideas were valid and if anything, I'm less certain than ever about what we need. My former director was a great mentor, personally engaged in my growth as a nurse and a great clinician. In other words, I saw her as the best nurse in the hospital. And I knew this because she was right in there, hands on, when there was something going on.

On the other hand, she was one of those high energy & impulsive people who always has ten projects going at once. Some would be completed after she stayed up late and came in early working ridiculous hours. Some projects were so continuously changing shape that at any given point half of our work became irrelevant and we felt like we were starting over. AND some of those projects are still in process two months after she's started her new job!

Most of the direct patient care staff have two basic demands; that the person is willing and able to be hands on in the field and that the person makes them feel valued and appreciated.

My strength as a supervisor is clinical, I like working on the floor with patients. I love finding ways to continuously improve the way we do our jobs. I'm less enthusiastic about admin part; paper work, meetings, committees, requisitions...blah. It's my weakness.

So what kind of boss do you need? Someone who can do your job right alongside of you and is willing to step in and lend a hand when you need it? Someone who stays out of your way and keeps the ship afloat? Do you care if you feel appreciated and valued as long as you're getting a paycheck?

What makes a good boss?

P.S. One of my favorite people at work is also someone I have occasion to supervise. On a regular basis he tells me, "The problem around here is we have too many middle managers." Guess what I am?

I'm trying to find that guy a new job.

February 8, 2009

Philipians 1:19-21 Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

I Expect Myself

1. To take good care of my home.

2. To get control of my body.

3. To let my children make their own mistakes and take credit for their own victories.

4. To show mercy & grace.

5. To recognize that I am nothing aside from who I am in Christ.

6. To choose justice above ease.

7. To glorify God with my words.

8. To let pain slide into amnesia and joy be written in stone.

9. To be grateful for people more than for things.

10. To be the greatest source of love, support and happiness in my husband's life.

Pic: 12/25/08

Men

The other day, a Saturday, the Mr. and I got our weekend chores done and had the afternoon in front of us to do with what we pleased. I had gotten a gift card to the movies and so it was decided; lunch and a matinee. We chose a movie (The Taken) and we chose a restaurant (PF Chang's). Both located at our local mall (Fairlane Towncenter.) Perfect...until.

The Mr. wonders if we should see if daboyz want to come along! For crying out loud, they are 19 and 20 years old and one of them lives on his own! Can we not go to the movies and out to lunch alone? All inside of my head. Out of my mouth came something much more maternal, "I'm sick of them."

Sunday night found us gathered with my parents watching the Superbowl surrounded by chicken wings and chili and various other munchies. Why? Because we are such a football family? Except for the Mr., no we are not a football family. But because several years ago my dad threw a lasso around the Superbowl and made it a family "holiday." And why chicken and chili? Because those Daboyz insist!

The same reason that we sat in horizontal rain on crumbling bleachers watching football eating Pringles. The same reason we froze our nether regions walking around Greenfield Village eating chest nuts roasted on an open fire a few Christmases back. The same reason we start coordinating our vacation requests in January for the July Lewiston trip.

The same reason we spend at least half of the warm summer evenings around here gathered around one of our back yard barbecues together (my sister's, my parent's or ours.)

As a mom I have spent what sometimes feels like more than enough moments with my kids. More than enough days and nights of tending to details that were all mine to fret over like dentist appointments and science fair projects and do we have enough diapers to last until pay day and have I mentioned, "how much do you need to spend for groceries?" Honestly, I love them from the very depths of my soul but at this point with the promise of a movie and date without daboyz, I am not sharing one more bucket of popcorn! Well, at least not today!

That's why God made the menfolk of this family. They were in no way absentee dads or grandpas in the old days, but they didn't get worn out with dirty dishes and thirty cupcakes for school and I believe this left them with enough energy to take us forward by insisting on new moments to replace the bed time stories and games of peek-a-boo that used to count for quality time. Now my dad and the Mr. are continually organizing and planning in advance or on the fly to be together as a family.

I'm grateful that I can finally say, "I'm sick of them." but know that our moments didn't end with high school commencements. The landscape has changed and little boys in car seats do the heavy lifting for a dad and grandpa growing older. In the subtle mystery of God's creation, my dad has begun to call his grandsons over when he needs a hand with the very things he used to teach them. Our baby boy clears the snow before his dad gets home from work.

And love teaches us all to create the todays and tomorrows that grow from yesterdays well tended.

Pic: 2005, One of many autumn days in the bleachers watching high school football.

Blanks

Pray with me, if you will. In the middle of ironing my work clothes a thought scurried across my brain; where are my pink & silver earrings? I'm thirsty. I need to go in early tomorrow. I wonder if we should minister to _____?

It's been a while since I've been involved with teaching and counseling and it's been ok that it's been a while. No burning desire to get back to it. And still, no burning desire to minister to____. Just a gentle thought. Not even a burning bush. Or shrub.

The _______ is a particular population of people that seem to fall through the cracks of Christianity. This is because their actions leave victims and while we rush to bandage the wounds of those they hurt, we ignore the wounds of ______. I think maybe the Mr. and I have been given the bandages for ______.

I am not going to reveal more than that right now. I'm just going to pray and tell God that if this is what he wants me to do, I will do it. I already love __________, as does the Mr. We already spend much time talking about, worrying about and praying about _______. Maybe it's time to put a foundation under it all?

Pray for us. And pray for ___________. God will fill in the blank.

Trust. Worthy?

It is, I think, the foolish person who takes trust lightly.

It is either the heart of wisdom or evil that takes it seriously.

When someone says, "I trust you," we might think that the action implied is on the part of the one who expresses the trust. Not so. The trust of another person says to me, I must now be even more than I was before the statement was made. It's easy to say that trust is earned, but beyond that is where things become remarkable; when trust is kept.

The foolish person tosses trust in the direction of everyone who is kind to them. Or someone they wish to be friends with. Or simply because the person wears a title that seems to encompass trust like pastor, wife, friend, brother, sister, parent. The foolish person who receives trust and treats it as though it were bullet-proof replaces the sacred with the arrogant. As soon as we are trusted, we are changed into something more than we are and must now lean toward earning such an honor.

The evil person (although no one is ever truly evil are they? smirk.), takes trust and uses it like a thief uses a door left open when homeowners are away. They must trust that this is a safe neighborhood to leave their door open. And so evil says that the one who drops his guard deserves whatever they get. The action of trust is thrown back on the person who trusted and any consequence is theirs.

The wise person, however, lives with integrity and receives trust as the natural response to their lives. And when this wise person is told, "I trust you," something in them raises the standard even higher. Now that I have earned your trust, it is a greater responsibility to keep it.

The foolish person receives trust lightly and thinks it cannot be lost.

This is why the world cannot see Christ. The essence of knowing him is trust in this Savior who cannot be seen, heard or touched. We much teach trust by earning it and keeping it. From human trust the road is not so far to faith.

Cold Spring

Every year around this time I see Spring peaking around the corner. I remember the first time this happened to me, I was laying in bed one morning dreading hauling my self into the cold air when I heard a bird chirping outside my window. It caught my attention because I had not heard a bird chirping for months. Then I noticed the sun was shining when I drove to work, and it was a little brighter a little later in the day. When you live in Michigan you measure the sun in minutes per day and appreciate every one of them!
Last year when Spring started to appear like a tiny figure on the horizon, I was already living in this new old house. It wasn't ours yet and it wore more of my grandparent's fingerprints than ours. We still hadn't had the yard sale to clear out the stuff no one laid claim to, much of the stuff people did lay claim to still lined the shelves and walls. Actually we moved in in March so Spring was actually closer than it is now. But it was living in my gramma and grampa's house for sure. And actually, it was good for me. My grandparents played a huge role in my life and the letting go might have not been so sweet from our old old house.
Little by little, we began to show ourselves around the rooms. Computers and televisions moved in. As did a dog (gasp.) Pictures came down from the walls and were quietly leaned against the Queen Ann sofa in the living room, which had become the unofficial Eleanor & Bob Room. Items were boxed and put in the middle of the floor and the family room was rearranged. Flow Blue china went to my mom's house and rustic crockery replaced it. But still, it was my grandparent's house gone willy nilly with our belongings scattered around.
The sun shined brighter and brighter and the birds became common enough to not catch my attention first thing in the morning. And the seasons changed. And the days, like in Genesis, passed. And it was good.
This year the storage/living room with the light blue sofa only vaguely reflects its former self. Ivory walls no more, the C.S. Lewis room has deep golden walls with a lighter buttery yellow in the alcove. The formal furniture is gone replaced with dark brown sofas and the creamy damask drapes are packed away replaced with slate blue crinkly sheers on iron rods.
The similarly appointed bedroom with creamy walls is now pistachio but the furniture inherited from my grandma now feels like ours and not a sleep over from childhood.
The blue and white bathroom is sweet pea green with black cabinetry and stark white trim, cobalt blue accents that will change to some other color (yellow?) with Spring's official arrival
The family room and kitchen will be slower to evolve as finances ultimately pace our renovations but in the meantime, our lemon dishes are now in the cupboards and our brightly colored print of an African American church service now hangs above the fireplace. Candles burn on the table tops in the evenings as the Mr. and I snuggle up on our second hand pillow back sofa to watch Netflix movies.
So, Spring was heard in the voice of songbirds this morning and the sun slanted through the blinds bright enough to make me squint when I opened the drapes. Nothing special except the miracle of seasons of families and houses and nature quietly walking forward into the next season; some predictable (the weather will eventually warm up!) and some unexpected (will the Mr. have his automotive industry job when the sun begins to creep away again?)
I know that today I'm writing in the same vein that I seem to fall into, call it sappy or simply a rerun. But for me, it is a moment of praise to God for his goodness and unchanging faithfulness to me. Without the always new miracle of seeing his glory in the ordinary, I would be distracted by myself and the gray hair and wrinkles that appear with the songbirds! In Him, I can welcome age knowing that the passage of times brings a greater awareness of all that He is and the promises that He always keeps.
Gray hair reflected in Spring sunshine noticed despite sub-freezing temperatures can make you smile if you listen hard for the song of life in the background.

Ecclesiastes 8:15 So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun.

Pic: 5/26/08, Donny lazing in the backyard.

February 1, 2009

Psalm 22: 26-28 The poor will eat and be satisfied; they who seek the LORD will praise him-may your hearts live forever! All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the LORD, and all the families of the nations will bow down before him, for dominion belongs to the LORD and he rules over the nations.

Don't Forget

1. to remember to pray today.

2. to remember to taste God's Word today.

3. to remember who loves you.

4. to remember who needs you.

5. to remember that no part of your life is not your ministry.

6. to remember to take care of yourself for the sake of those who would suffer your loss.

7. to remember to laugh really loud, preferably at yourself.

8. to remember to do your housework with joy, you have been provided a home.

9. to remember to say grace when you eat.

10. to remember upon whose finger the earth spins.

In The Middle

Yes I'm still out here! I've been working a lot, but I'm not complaining. In this economy, who would complain that they are too busy at work? Not me! I'm countin' it all joy.


Speaking of work, I'm launching the new year with a new approach. If staff comes to me with an issue, we have an immediate huddle with all involved parties to put it on the table. Some people are loving it, and other people have stopped coming to me because they don't want to hear what other people might say about them! Ha!


So since I'm very boring with nothing but boring work stories, here's my question of the day. Do you really want to know what other people think of you?


The Mr. and I are closet Desperate Housewives watchers. About a week ago we were talking about the couples on the show and decided that Tom and Lynette were on shaky marital ground because she is so controlling that she is driving him away.


A few days ago we're driving down the road and he says, "Which desperate house wife do you think you're most like?" Ya see where this is going?


I answered truthfully, "Lynette."


He agreed.


I immediately informed him that he is a hurtful little man and that particular statement is going on the blog. No, I wasn't really hurt because Lynette and I are somewhat alike. I know it.


So, do you really want to know what other people think of you? If someone thinks your hard to work with, talk to, deal with...do you want to hear about it?

P.S. that's me/Lynette in the middle.

January 25, 2009

Psalm 63:4-6 I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.

Grocery List (so far)

1. Toilet paper.

2. Laundry soap.

3. Salad supplies.

4. Boneless chicken breast.

5. Bread.

6. Rice.

7. Vegetables.

8. Oranges & bananas.

9. Tuna.

10. Oatmeal

Something is missing Mr.President

In case you're just tuning in; the post originally appeared last night without any commentary, just the two pictures below. That was intentional to see how our reactions would unfold. I sort of expected some backlash as well as some input from Christians who shared my concern. The point of the two pictures is that in the top picture President Obama is shown taking his second oath of office on Wednesday having misspoken a few of the words at the official swearing in the day prior. In the bottom picture we see the president's hand on the Lincoln Bible being held by Mrs. Obama. The something missing is the Bible, absent in the top photograph.
My political perspective is two things, not a secret and irrelevant. This is my president and any differences I may have with him have nothing to do with the fact that he is my president today. I will pray for him, I will respect him. If you find me behaving with anything less than respect concerning Mr. Obama, please remind me that he is my president. I actually walked out of a room during the swearing in because the conversation had drifted away from the celebration of this democracy to the mocking of former President George W. Bush. This offended me greatly as the mocking of our leader is the mocking of the very blessing of the free vote that elected him. We must not so readily throw our collective dignity to the side.
And so, I have determined not to enter into such foolishness as this president takes his seat in the Oval Office. I did not vote for him, he is my president. I am not angry and I did not lose. The United States of America is a blessed nation and I will remain united.
So why post these two photographs? Why point this out? Because I am a citizen of America learning how to fulfill that role to the glory of God. No, I do not, within my heart, separate church and state. God is the leader of America not because of what we print on our money but because he is the ruler of the entire universe, his creation. He does not need the vote of the people to gain authority. Wednesday evening I went on the internet and read about the second swearing in and honestly, I am not sure I'd have seen the lack of the Bible except that it was mentioned specifically in every article I read. Basically, Mr. Obama said he had not brought his Bible with him but the oath was binding nonetheless. Ok. I never worried that the flubbed oath was unofficial much less the one lacking a Bible.
But something twisted in the pit of my stomach when I discovered this. Something made me uncomfortable, disappointed. My mind didn't explode with conspiracy theories nor did I insert President Obama into an addendum of the Left Behind series. The tangible unease in my gut came from how easily the President of the United States of America removed the Bible from his swearing in. And immediately on the heals of this thought, immediately; how easily I remove the Bible from my day. Is his hand on the Bible of any greater importance than mine somewhere between awakening and falling asleep? Have you heard 'the pew follows the pulpit'? Well, maybe the leader reflects the people. Yes, in America the leader reflects the people. I can be righteously indignant that the Holy Bible was irrelevant by Mr. Obama's own explanation. But how relevant is it when mine was no more in use on Wednesday than his?
He dares to swear by his own hand to execute the office of President of the United States. This is serious to me because any moment when God is diminished to a detail, a window dressing; is dangerous and reason to mourn.
Something is indeed missing. President Obama became to me a mirror on Wednesday.

So Tired

Just a quick hello good bye good night. Everyone at work is sick, staff and patients. I'm the only supervisor left standing. Day six of seven tomorrow. Only hope for weekend is if someone gets well enough to relieve me. I've got the tired stupids, drove all the way to work and have no memory of anything after I pulled out of my subdivision.

Thank the Lord he keeps me awake while I'm actually at work!

Faded Footprints

Psalm 37: 2-319 ...the righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever. The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just. The law of his God is in his heart; his feet do not slip.