There is just enough crap in my life (yes crap, deal with it) to make me say that's all I can stands, I can't stands no more! Oh sure, it's easy enough to look around and say that we're all healthy, fed, safe and have jobs. It's easy to crawl up on our Christianity and act like we are always over comers. But sometimes one can know one is an over comer and feel overcome at the same time.
In these kind of moments I respond in very predictable ways. I get insomnia which manifests itself as awakening promptly at 2-3 a.m. and staying awake until I feel like I'm about to slide into a coma at 5 a.m.; which is exactly when I have to get up for work. I get cranky and sarcastic. I wish I got weepy and girly but no, I want to pop somebody in the head. Or at least slice them up verbally. I also get very sweaty armpits which totally ticks me off even more. I am freaking forty years old, shouldn't we be past pit stains?
So I got out of bed again at 3 this morning and wandered down to the couch. I have a fabulous couch. I cranked up the air because yes, I've now added night sweats to my many charms. Of course, then I'm freezing so I cover up. I put on an old movie. I took a Protonix because I've got what seems to be an ulcer (I refuse to be scoped as long as the meds work). I try to fall back to sleep wondering at what age these moments will be over with.
During this particular couch episode, I was talking to God about it and he pointed out that if my responses are always the same, I'm likely to end up back in the same situation until I act like that over comer I'm supposed to be. Rats.
He also pointed out that I should pause to consider the possibility that the world "does not revolve around your navel" as we like to tell one another at work. And sure enough, he was right. When I took a breath to look outside of my own head, lots of blogs and lots of conversations are saying the same thing I'm feeling. Even at work in the hallways, people are all saying things are stressed in their worlds, on their units, in their jobs. Phone calls and e mails from friends confirm it. Either my navel has a huge gravitational pull or it's not all about me.
I spent about an hour and a half just giving it all to God. My specifics first, of course *wink*. Then my friends and co-workers and families. Then the world at large. Us with a capital "U". Humanity pushing against an invisible force that wants to to overwhelm the over comers.
I want miracles, as I've said before. But today I got just enough. God just took the edge off of my stress. I have just enough peace in my heart. I feel him just enough to trust him. Maybe it's a just-enough miracle.
I got to thinking that these are the times that make me long for heaven the way the old people used to stand and talk about in church. I never understood it then but now I truly do feel like a stranger in a strange land. Instead of feeling that as a bad thing, I need to realize it is the miracle of all miracles. I do not belong here because Jesus shed just enough blood to cover my sins and make me into a new person who will not be completely at home until I'm looking into his face.
So the struggle is just enough to keep me pushing toward the place where the struggling stops and I am made new.
For those of you who have had just enough; hang on. Better days are coming. I'll see you at 3 a.m.
Joel 2:19 The LORD will reply to them: "I am sending you grain, new wine and oil, enough to satisfy you fully; never again will I make you an object of scorn to the nations."