Monday, February 18, 2008

I Am That He Is

I can't figure out if I know myself really well or not at all. What I have figured out is that I am just now figuring out that I really should figure this out.
The other day, my new boss said something to me that surprised me. She asked me how it was going and I gave her an overview of what I was working on and then I told her about a few things that I am still unsure of. Her reply? "Make sure you let me know if you need anything at all. You are so independent that we forget how new you are."
Independent? Me? Really? This is not a noun I would've ascribed to myself. In fact, I'd have said the opposite. I feel that I need way to much help in life in general. Independent. Huh. I kind of like the sound of it.In fact, a nursing instructor in school told me my biggest problem was constantly double-checking with others that I was doing things right and that I should be sure that I was very capable. So maybe I got the message after all.
This has all led me to wonder who I am. And who you are and who we are and if anybody really knows. All ego aside, I am fascinated by the mystery of me. I am realizing that God has made me a lot more complex than I realize. Like the proverbial onion Donkey talked about in Shrek, I got layers. I think the good stuff is still trying to get out from under some layers of my own perception of who I am.
For instance, I'd call myself stubborn and yet I look around my home and see that the majority of what surrounds me is dictated by the Mr. I guess I didn't put up too much of a fight. And when I do finally push back about house stuff, I feel like I'm being aggressive and controlling. So am I stubborn?
It's tempting to take a poll, what do you think of me? Truthfully, I regularly check in with the Mr., does my mood seem better? am I more energetic? do I look fat?, etc. Wouldn't we all like to/dread to know what others perceive of us? I'd be thrilled with the good and offended at the bad I'm sure. Maybe we better keep that a secret for now. Then again, truth may lie somewhere between your perception of me and my own. I have accomplished some pretty cool things fueled only on what other people told me I could do, with no confidence in my own abilities.
Only God knows what lies beneath, waiting to glorify or destroy. In balance, your perceptions of me might keep me in check or inspire me forward. My own perceptions tell me what to change and allow me to celebrate my life. Finally, God has no perceptions, only truth. And the truth frees me.

John 8:32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."


Margie said...

even with all your craziness, my perception of you is great, you have kicked me in the pants when I needed it, and hugged me.

Louise said...

You are one of the most "together" people I know.

KayMac said...

This was a good post, Sensei. i kind of like that God doesn't let us in all everything about Him, ourselves and each other. Discovery is pretty cool. And I like that He still takes our breath away, even after belonging to Him for a long, long time.

Agree with the others...we all think you are pretty great!