Essentially, I am a flake.
Sometimes this ever shifting personality tires me out. I am forever wondering about what next. I am longing for some kind of consistentsy and changing on the inside all at once. I think I know what I want to pursue in the future but when the future gets here, it ain't what I want after all.
I'm in another one of those moments of trying to figure it out. It's where God wants me that I'm wrestling with. What he wants of me. Some things of which I've been absolutely certain have recently fallen out from under me as though built on a mudslide. And yet, the time I've spent in pursuit of these things, I know, has been within his will.
Some people, I suppose, are made for change. And I am one of them. How that can be I don't know because I always consider myself opposed to change.
Well, it's another one of those times for me. Seasons again, come to call. Only my personal Ecclesiastes is always an open-ended statement...A time for.......what?
I feel a squeezing and a shaping of my life into another form coming. I have taken a few steps of preparation. I am, as always, scared. I am, as always, telling the Lord that I'm not up to the challenge. He is not a Savior who pats me on the head, he tells me that I am indeed not up to it, so I better hold on even tighter to him because here we go!
I feel like I have one of those old divining rods and I'm searching for water, needing to be aware of the slightest tremor or I'll miss the mark.
And so I search after my shepherd's voice. Afraid for sure. Sighing with frustration that it's time again to learn and grow when I was just settling in. A little bit excited. A little bit sad.
I think I'll change my hair color and put on my cowboy boots and just make it a full-on make-over.
Since I was a little girl it seems like I've been lacing my prayers with a common theme, "God, you know what you're doing; right?"
So far, so good.
Isaiah 5:19 ..."Let God hurry, let him hasten his work so we may see it. Let it approach, let the plan of the Holy One of Israel come, so we may know it."