I used to be a Christian who could say with a straight face, "I could never..."; you fill in the blank. Have an affair, be a drug addict, beat my kids, cheat on my taxes... I remember a sobering moment years ago as I heard someone say something with a conviction I'd often heard in my own voice, "I could never let myself be fat." I weighted 275 pounds at the time. Wow. Turns out that someone else looked at me through those same self-righteous eyes I had been turning on other people. It was then that I reconsidered my I-could-never theories.Today I think, "Yeah, I totally could...." If my life had a title it would often say, 'there but for the grace of God go I.' Oh, I could...
I could have an affair. You heard me, I could. My I-could-never days happened to be during those 275 pound homemaker days. Read between the lines here, I didn't have an opportunity. Today I weigh less, have more self-esteem, look better and guess what? I have opportunities. I've been propositioned. And no, I have not had an affair. Not because I-could-never. Had those men crossed my path back in my unhappily married days, it would have been the perfect storm. A pretty me + a miserable marriage + a nice guy who appreciates me = adultery. I often think that God knew I couldn't be trusted with the opportunities then, I would've folded. Today I not only look better, I am better. I am whole and healed and more importantly, humbled. I know the depths of my own heart and I guard what resides there. I require the Holy Spirit to stand guard.
I could never be a drug addict? Alcoholic? Easy to say being raised in a drug and alcohol-free home and married to a guy from the same place. I never tried the stuff. If I had, I assure you judging from my food addiction that I'd be a junky.
And yes, I've wanted to knock my boys across the room. And yes I've been so financially strapped I'd have probably cheated on my taxes if I knew how. And if that shocks you, I'll tell you something else, I've made late payments on every debt I have and given a lot less than 10% in the plate on Sunday. Guess what? It's all cheating. Used the phone and didn't pay for it? Ain't that cheating? Hello? Anybody out there?
I am capable of magnificent deceit given the right conditions. I have a particular gift for evil. I can hold a grudge until it screams for mercy and tell you I'm praying then forget all about you.
I could never be anything but a cheating, abusive junky unless God took over the real me and covered me in grace.
I can hate and kill and sleep with other people's husbands. I can steal and lie and shoot heroin in a dark alley. I can be so self-righteous that I can't see beyond my own arrogance.
But I could never make myself worth saving.
The only way to stop the thief and the murderer and the prostitute who lives inside of me is to take her honestly to Christ and sacrifice her. I have to stop believing I am beyond doing anything. And stop believing others are beyond redemption.
It's all about Christ. When he becomes all that matters, I could never be what I used to be.
Psalm 38:18 I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin.
6 comments:
Now miss sara, you have given me way too much food for thought the past two days. And I certainly don't want to meet you or myself in a dark alley one night.
I've read that unless and until we come to the fact, the knowing, that we are as capable of the worst sin we know of, and those we don't know about, we don't fully understand the depths of depravity that resides within the human heart. Thank you for reminding us of this in this post. We need to be reminded more often than we are, lest we begin to wear our Holier-than-thou vestments that stink to high heaven.
Lord, forgive of us of self-righteousness. You alone are
righteous, we are just sinners
Saved by Your Wondrous Grace!
You, my friend, are way too thought provoking, but thank you for it. We do have a tendency to think that we are so self-righteous that we could never...whatever, but Louise is right, we need not to wear our Holier-than thou vestments that stink to high heaven. God forgive me!
Ahhhh, how desperate we are...and how much more incredible that Jesus took our "I could's" and redeemed us through His "I will". Humbling, humbling, humbling.
I loved this post! I usually love you posts anyway, but this one speaks so hard to my heart. I have this thing about addiction and walking in someone else's shoes. I think that we should never say "i could never" because I think we just might find ourselves saying "I wish I hadn't" before we know it.
And given my addiction to food, i'd be a junky too...
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