Unforgiven

Ecclesiastes 4:12 ...A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

This was my wedding verse. The three strands being myself, the Mr. and Christ. We got married with the determination that only in Christ would our union remain unbroken.
When our marriage started to struggle, I wondered where that determination went. How quickly we were unraveling and why wasn't Christ holding us together anymore? Four years of pain passed before the I learned how to receive my miracle. It was simply forgiveness. Yes, marriage requires a lot of forgiveness. And doesn't the Word teach us that forgiveness given is the requirement for forgiveness received? Why is it such a mystery then, that this should be so?
In the darkest days, I was convinced that my husband was having an affair. I "knew" who this woman was. She worked with him. Today I truly cannot remember how I reached this conclusion but it was a belief I held in my marrow. I could tell you I was angry but that would be not quite right. I was tormented. I was devastated and humiliated. I was dying but still breathing. My soul was burned. No matter how I railed at him to confess, Dean denied this adultery that I was so sure of. This did nothing to reassure me. We were so unhappy that there was no rest for my mind. This was the four years I mentioned.
Having screamed and cried and wished for death I became exhausted. I felt too tired to have an eternity in heaven. And then I gave up. I laid on my face for more nights than I can count with no words left in me; my very soul begging to be saved from this torment. I had nothing left and finally laid there in complete silence of mind and body. And Jesus told me to forgive him. I didn't want to, especially since he hadn't yet confessed much less requested my forgiveness. I knew though, that my unforgiveness was the thing that was killing me. If I could not forgive, I could not be forgiven. Could this then be the true source of my agony? Was I actually being crushed by the weight of my own condemnation by refusing to allow forgiveness to flow into and through my life?
Still, I could not forgive him. I could not stop the rage that had become all that I was. So I started praying a pitiful prayer. "God, make me want to forgive him." That prayer was months long. Then I wanted to forgive.
"God,make me strong enough to forgive him." Several more months. And the fights raged on.
"God, I forgive him." And I was saved.
I told Dean I loved him at least twice a day, morning and evening. He said nothing. And I forgave the silence. And I was lifted.
I submitted myself to him while he wouldn't look me in the eye. I cleaned his house and cooked his meals and raised his sons. And I was peaceful.
And four years passed.
And he came home after midnight shift and woke me up. And he said this, "I love you. Please forgive me."
It was easy because it had already been done. Oh, not by me. I am not able to forgive anyone. But Christ in me pushed the foolish ways of my understanding aside and forgiveness received us both together.
Did Dean have an affair? Do you really want to know? You'll have to ask him. I have told him never to reveal it to me. I choose to forget because that is the requirement of forgiveness. I release my right to ask any longer. I do not look for signs of infidelity. The woman? I cannot remember her name. I pray that God has blessed her and given her all the good things he intended for her.
Forgiving is a choice that starts with a simple prayer, "Make me want to forgive." And it flows from past to present and then like a wave it covers the future with glory.
Do not allow unforgiveness to torment you. The weight you carry is consequence of stopping the forgiveness God intends for you by not allowing forgiveness itself to reside within you.
Embrace forgiveness so that you can be embraced. This is not a marriage lesson, it is a life lesson.
And it is true, the cord of three strands will not be broken.