Ugly Love

"Another of my favorite loves is the love that has been fought for and regained. This is not a pretty love, but it is a mighty love. There is a strength and determination you see in couples with this kind of love that creates an air of steadiness. I am in awe of this kind of love." Kaymac
Not a pretty love, but a mighty love. This is one of the most powerful descriptions of love that I've ever heard. It describes, finally, what love really is. No roses or star-crossed lovers but tears and sleepless nights to sustain us.
The Mr. and I have never been romantic. We don't care about cards and when we exchange them we often read them, thank each other and then throw them away that evening. If there is a note inside, they are put away sometimes for keepsakes. Sweetest Day and Valentine's Day mean nothing.
And we are not in a pretty love.
I am about as blunt as a person can be so I think if he needed a pretty love; he'd have moved on long ago. We are here together today because when he threatened divorce I did not promise we'd be friends and wish him well. I told him I'd make him miserable until my dying breath. I gave him two choices, dig in and fix this hot mess or leave and I'll mess you up forever. I hate "friendly" divorces. It's an oxymoron and the emphasis is on the moron.
I will awaken him in the middle of the night if I'm angry or scared. It is, I assure you, not pretty. We will stand toe to toe in pajamas with puffy eyes sparring until we get where we need to be. We do not spare one another the truth nor do we use the truth to do harm.
If I ask him, he'll tell me my butt is fat. I'll tell him his is if he doesn't ask.
If he tries to snuggle and it ain't a good time, I will dissuade him with a gentle, "Get off me!"
When I talk to people who are so committed to being positive and gentle with one another that they don't know how their spouse feels or what their spouse wants, I think that person is a positively gentle fool. I like to get to the bottom of Dean's heart this way, "What the freak are you talking about?"
I will eat the last cold White Castle out of the fridge even if he wants it and I know it. He will watch football even if I want to watch Brigadoon. Neither of us will lose sleep over the disappointment we've caused the other.
He bought a single orchid to put in this giant ceramic vase we have. I told him it looked stupid. Well, it did.
We ain't pretty. You can't go to war and be pretty. And if you're gonna make it for the long haul together it's time to lock and load. If you are afraid to speak your mind or be seen with vomit stains on your shirt, you're missing out. If you can't raise your voice and demand to be understood, you might be very lonely while living in a full house.
I am not advocating being verbally abusive or crass. I am telling you that before this man walks out of my life I will trip him at the door and Gilooly his kneecaps. I will hobble him like Kathy Bates did in Misery. I will cry the ugly cry and scream until the neighbors complain.
Before I will wonder if he knows me like I want to be known I will turn off King of Queens and tell him to 'LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW!'
Before I sink into dark despair from the depression that is wired into my head, I will say flat out, "I'm depressed, help me." The end of the game where I wait for him to realize I'm sad is too far away. I decline the right to not speak my needs and then hold his ignorance against him.
In high school, on Saturday nights we'd go out and be back to my house by around 9:00. At that point Dean would visit with my parents while I showered. Then there I would sit with wet hair and no make up while my long hair air dried. When it was finally dry I'd set it on pink sponge rollers so on Sunday I'd be beauteous. This may have been where we turned ugly.
Love is not pretty. It's work and war and settling for nothing less. It's holding back my hair when I puke and rubbing his feet after work.

Love happens in the trenches where you see what you are made of. Love causes death...sometimes on a cross and always to yourself.
Sometimes it's gotta get ugly to see the beauty.





October 25, 1986