I'm thinking a lot about how to structure this new lifegroup we're guest-teaching in a few weeks. I think I might start the first session with one simple question..."What did you expect when you got married?"
I'd love to know what you guys would answer to this. And if you're not married, what are your expectations for marriage?
My answer says a lot about why my marriage went so bad. I don't really have a single word for what I expected, but the long and short of it is that I expected the Mr. to be my everything.
This seems utterly romantic and appropriate, doesn't it? That is what love's all about, living for each other. These were the days of not wanting to go to heaven because I feared that there would be no marriage there and I couldn't bear the thought of eternity without being Dean's wife. The days of counting minutes all day long and nothing being any good until he got home. The days of NEEDING him in big bold letters.
So how does a relationship that was so all-encompassing go so very wrong?
Without realizing it, I wanted Dean to be my literal everything...including my savior. I wanted him to be Jesus. I wanted him to comfort me, make me peaceful, give me joy and make me whole. But God is a jealous God. No spouse will ever be allowed that position. And no spouse should occupy it. When Dean wasn't able to fill up my empty spaces I became angry and even needier. And a cycle of dysfunction was created.
When he couldn't be my savior, my husband became my enemy. All because I put him in a position he wasn't meant to hold.
I love the line in Jerry MacGuire when Tom Cruise says, "You complete me."
Yeah, Dean does complete me.
Once I'd found myself in Christ, I was ready to complete my destiny to be the wife He intended me to be.
For your Maker is your husband—the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God. Isaiah 56:5,6
7 comments:
Wow. Pretty powerful verse. When I got married I didn't have very many expectations. I expected to be love and for Chad to accept my love in return. I expected our vows to be taken seriously and I expected for both of us to remain committed to God. I do think that this is the perfect question to lead with though. No one ever asks this before you get married, they assume that love is enough and it isn't. You have to be sure of who you are in Christ and be secure by yourself.
i expect it to be a lot of work.
I expect that Jesus will be a part of it everyday. even when I am praying that my soon to be husband get a clue :)
OK, the toothbrush story grossed me out...I've been out of the teen scene for a while now...
As for the marriage question..hmmmm..I think I expected that we were both serious and committed to each other and to the Lord...and that we would live a partnership rather than some corporate pyramid styled thing and we would live happily ever after, of course..no special attention needed for that to happen either...I was right on the first counts...but the attention parts...well were still working on those, there is no such thing as enough of that...I did not expect him to be my everything though in many ways he has been...he has saved me quite literally on many occasions... leading and pointing me constantly to the ONE who is the all in ALL.
Yes, I know I am a blessed woman...:) He truly has embodied "husbands love your wives as Christ loves the Church"
I expected to be taken out of a dysfunctional, tension filled home into the marvelous lovey-dovey world of marriage. HA! Can I just say that at 18 years of age - I was not filled with wisdom....or reality. But, I married a good man and God honored us with His mercy and grace and we've made it to 41 years of marriage..so far. :)
You are gonna do a great job leading this small group!
i expect him to leave me alone and to live somewhere else. :D
in the "be my savior" relationship, i've discovered that, when they screw up, they expect you to forgive as Jesus does, also. which is a source of great conflict, as i've not quite transcended the shackles of human emotion quite yet.
When I got married I did have many expectations because I had asked God to give me the desires of my heart before I even met Barry. When I would pray, I was bold enough to say I want this and I don't want that. I have to say that I came far short of what God gave me. We have had our ups and downs, as all couples do, but our commitment was strong from the beginning and we have walked with God throughout our entire marriage. We are like minded in many ways and although I realize that this is not the case with many couples, it is what I personally asked God for. It is important enough to Him that if He pays attention to a little sparrow that falls, then it is important enough to Him that He will give us the desires of our heart.
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